To my LoveBug

Dear LoveBug,

I delight in you. Every single time I see you, I am taken back by your beauty, and every time you smile at me, my entire being melts at your love. It's hard to not spend every single second of my day engrossed in you; thinking about you while I'm at work, neglecting the house so we can play, or dancing and tickling the night away when you're supposed to be sleeping.

I don't know how a mommy could possibly love any more than I love you. I have never felt this way before and wasn't able to comprehend the all encompassing power of this sort of agape love until you were born. When we take a nap together, I can't even sleep because I simply can't stop looking at you.

I love it when...

you bring my face to you so that you can kiss my lips
you wrap your hand around my finger and "take" me somewhere
you jibber jabber to me and I can't understand what you're saying, but you let me know that it's very important and you're very serious, so I'd better listen!
you pull up your pant leg in the car so I can hold your leg while we travel
you want to nurse just because it's comforting to you
you dance
you arrange comfey seats for us with pillows and blankets, and then pat the spot next to you for me to sit in
you share your Cheerios and raisins with me
you get so proud when you do something "big" and then clap your hands and flash your smile
you help me around the house--cleaning the floor with a Swiffer, picking up toys, or putting wash cloths in their drawer
your face lights up when you see me after work
I wake up to your kisses and cuddles
you do something silly just so I will laugh

Every day, I think about how I wish I could remember it forever. At night sometimes, I try to remember what you looked like at different times since you've been born. I wish I could remember everything. I wish you could just stay little forever, but then, every day just gets better than the last, so maybe growing up is okay when it's really happening.

You are my girl and I love you like none other. I hope you're having a fun, safe, and happy, happy day right now at your Grandma's house. I'm looking forward to when I get to be the one home with you! I miss you!

Love,
Your Mama

Anticipation

I'm exhausted today. I feel sick. I can't focus or get any work done. I wish I could be home relaxing instead of at work stressing about what we will or won't find on the ultrasound later. I can't decide if I should ask the sonographer to make us a video before or after she looks for Monkey's stomach...if she looks before and doesn't find it, I'll cry and won't be able to enjoy the 3d imaging or video as much. If we wait until after the video making, though, I will be wondering the whole time.

I had a beautiful dream last night of the ultrasound. We went in and right away they saw the stomach. I had them check my amniotic fluid levels as well as the size of the baby and everything was just fine. They made the video after checking everything out, but as I watched the screen, I saw myself holding my son instead of a black and white ultrasound. Music was playing and I was sitting in a rocking chair just after giving birth. Monkey was in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and we were looking at each other. He had lots of hair and it was black like his sister's when she was born. I know he hadn't been bathed yet because it was all spikey like instead of curly. At one point as we loved each other, he lifted his hand up to mine with his fingers open. I placed my open palm against his and we held each other.

After the dream, I woke up. I don't know why I woke up, but Monkey was bumping all around inside of me at that time. I'm taking this dream to be assurance from God and a sign that everything is fine. It was a beautiful vision of my baby and I'm so glad to have that gift to carry with me through today.

I need a nap.

14 hours...

Ugh, I'm done reading about esophageal atresia and everything else until after our ultrasound tomorrow. I was just reading about polyhydramnois (too much amniotic fluid; a symptom of a fetus with E.A.) and here are the symptoms:

Shortness of breath or the inability to breathe, except when upright

Swelling in the lower extremities, vulva and abdominal wall

Decreased urine production

 

Yup, that's me. I even mentioned the fluid in the feet at my 16-week-appointment because I felt it was waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy to early for that. The SOB, I mentioned at my 20-week appointment. I didn't realize the decreased urine production was anything--I just thought it was nice that I don't have to pee every hour like I did when I was pregnant with LoveBug. I'm only going a normal amount, except I do usually get up once during the night now.

 

*sigh*

 

Too bad I don't work as a paramedic FT anymore. Then I could have had an "illegal" ultrasound and at least give myself peace of mind if my fluid levels look normal and my baby's digestive system is intact. Ugh.

 

14 hours...

Needing Photos

I walked past a mirror today and was shocked at what I saw: a Me but with a belly that's sticking straight out...and it's big! Golly, I didn't even know. We don't have a mirror at home that allows me to see this progression of pregnancy so I'm continually taken back when I see a reflection of myself. Wow, I must look pretty silly having to stop, stare, and touch my belly when walking past a big window on Market Street. ;-)

I told John that we really need to take some photos of me tonight. I don't have a single one yet and this pregnancy is flying by. Before we know it, I'm gonna have two little munchkins in my arms and these bubbly kicks within my womb will be gone!

Monkey is officially 25 weeks along now. If I was to give birth on time (unlikely), that gives us 15 weeks from today. Yikes! I'm still working on getting things ready and am up to a whopping 7 meals in the freezer, a new carseat from Safety 1st and a few other needed baby items on their way to me thanks to my blog, and John's begun tearing our room apart since we found a mold issue last week. Now if only the money to fund our renovation projects and baby preparation would come through, too! Trusting God and thankful that he always provides.

Still need:

double jogging stroller

some diapers & covers

crib and dresser

nursery set (sheets, bumper, curtains, etc.)

rug (optional)

car seat (blog)

swing

boy clothes!

more food stockpiled for the end of my pregnancy and after birth

co-sleeper (Craigslist)

baby bathtub (maybe have from blog?)

nursing shirts (blog)

Waiting for an answer...

I just spent more time reading about Esophageal Atresia. It makes me want to get that next ultrasound right now just so I can know. Does my baby have a problem? If so, will I have enough time to prepare for it after I find out? Would it benefit either of us to know sooner than April 6th when the ultrasound is scheduled?

The prognosis for a baby with just E.A. is pretty good, but he will require a lot of hospitalization time and surgeries. We'll battle things like aspiration, pnemonia, other respiratory infections, GERD, and the list goes on. It'll probably be okay.

But my baby won't be able to nurse, and might even develop an oral aversion so that he will have difficulty eating and swallowing even when he is able to after all of the surgeries. I already have images of a beautiful newborn baby naked on me, squirming his way up to my chest and rooting, begging me to nurse him. Except I won't be able to let him have anything by mouth--including sucking on anything--or I may run the risk of killing him. The thought sucks.

So I'm still holding out that my little guy just happened to pee and didn't have anything in his stomach to show last time. It sure would be nice to know, though. I'm not a worried kind of person, but I am a mother and concern for your child's wellbeing is a given.

Be okay, Timothy. Be fully and completely developed. I know parents don't get choices about these things, but I'm telling you now, I absolutely don't want to be the parent of the baby I take in an ambulance.


-----------------------------------
UPDATE: rescheduled ultrasound for this Friday at 4pm (4/19)--2.5 weeks sooner than I would've had to wait! Here's a link that I found helpful in learning more about E.A.: http://www.kaylapearson.com/.

24 Week Midwife Appointment

I think Monkey has started investigating a vertical instead of horizontal position within me. Since yesterday, I've been having a lot of pressure and stiffness within my right pelvis that travels up, down, and around. I love this kid and feeling his little bumps and bubbles.

Our 24 (minus one day) appointment was today. Monkey has caught up in size now and measured at 24cm whereas before it seemed he was always 1-2 weeks behind. LoveBug was always about a week behind, too. Heart rate was 142-147--we've seen everything from 123 to 164 with him! He's always jumping around which is interesting to me because LoveBug was always a steady 144 every time.

Deb, our midwife, gave us the ultrasound results from 4 weeks ago when we had our 20 week full scan done. Apparently, they didn't see Monkey's stomach so we get to go again in 4 weeks (so 8 weeks from the inital u/s). I looked this up online and it said that if there's no fluid in the belly (like if Monkey had just peed), then they wouldn't be able to visualize the stomach. There is a thing called Trachea Esophageal Fistual and Esophageal Atresia that can also cause the stomach to not be seen on an u/s. With this disorder of unknown origin that happens during week 4 of a pregnancy, the esophagus has either an abnormal connection or blockage that prohibits things from going down it (i.e. amniotic fluid right now). Basically, if that's the only thing wrong then with surgery the baby has a pretty good outcome. The mother may go into preterm labor and need to get some amniotic fluid drained, though.

Interestingly, shortness of breath and measuring large (all during the second trimester) are symptoms of this. I have been having severe SOB for over a month now and can't link it to anything! It can be bad enough that I start to black out, my heart rate goes over 100, and I can't talk because I'm trying to breathe. Another interesting thing would be the sudden growth spurt of Monkey to where he's now measuring on track as compared to last month when he was 2cm behind. :-\

At this point, I'm definitely not worried and really have a gut feeling that everything is absolutely fine with my baby's development. I definitely do want to keep an eye on this, though, so that I can make sure we get fluid drained and things ready for a pre-term baby if it comes to that. Praying that Monkey had just peed and so they couldn't see his stomach!

The really exciting news is that the video part of the u/s should be working next time we go, so we'll get a regular 2d ultrasound, a 3d view of our handsome little man (didn't get that last time because he was only 20 weeks and they still look a little funny at that point!), and a 4d ultrasound video! *Happy Dance*

We are so thrilled to be having this little one join our family. I am the luckiest mama in the world to have two awesome babies.