Dear Blog, I am Miserable.

I just need to complain for a moment. I'm sure as heck not going to do it on Facebook (I hate that), nor am I going to call Ben just to complain some more (I've done that enough this week)...but...I am near the point of a breakdown, so need to vent. Hence, the blog.

Dear Blog,

I want nothing more than to be wearing comfortable jammies, snuggled in Ben's arms in my bed right now. With kids elsewhere so I can rest and not always be on high alert and in demand. I am SICK and my emotional control capacity is near zero. My respiratory system is stuffed and stressed, my muscles hurt, my joints ache, and my skin is overly sensitive (happens whenever I get a bad cold or the flu). I tried so hard to not get sick with all of this crap going around--I even made two of my patients wear masks earlier this week! But here I am, and I have to get up at 4:30am tomorrow morning so I can go do a 17 hour shift at work followed by leaving for class five hours after my shift ends, driving two hours, sitting through 8 hours of class, driving another two hours, getting kids, driving home, and getting everyone to bed. I don't feel as though I can handle all... or maybe any...of this right now.

I am overwhelmed with the stuff in my life--trying for months to get insurance for the kids just to finally be told TODAY that my county is not served by the company I have been working with (I cried on the phone with the insurance representative), I have hundreds of dollars in medical bills as a result of all of that. I am nervous about the ridiculous drive I'll be doing for school, plus the work hours that may not allow adequate sleep around my class day. I am so far behind on house work it makes me want to either throw my entire house out or throw up because there's no way I'll ever get it all done. Every errand I make, I have to bring two kids with me...which meant I had to go through the lines and metal detectors and stairs TWICE today because once I'd gotten everyone back and buckled in the car after visiting the county treasurer's office, I then realized I had left the paper that I'd gone there to get in the first place up on the treasurer's counter! Go figure.

My phone doesn't even charge, so John is coming over to sit here for a few minutes while the kids are asleep so I can run to Walmart and buy an alarm clock since I won't be able to use my phone's. (this is actually a pretty big deal that he is willing to do this). Ugh.

Cheerios are ground into the floor, there is red popsicle on the white couch pillow, and I still have two loads of laundry to fold, one in the dryer, and one still to start tonight. That's after the three loads I just folded and put away. :-|

Amara isn't in bed yet. I haven't slept well in days. This is partly because I've gotten out of work late (got us home after midnight two nights ago), and partly because Amara hasn't slept well which means I'm dealing with screaming, crying, and kicking. Which is fine, but sleep is a good idea, too.

Yeah. Oh, and I feel totally gross about my body. I hate being fat. And then I hate myself because I am not working out and I'm not starving myself. So I guess I deserve to be fat, but then I think, I DON'T deserve to be fat. I breastfed my two kids! Mom's who nurse aren't supposed to stay FAT after giving BIRTH!

Whatever. I'm in such a rotten mood I don't even care right now. Totally overwhelmed and not happy with any tax or healthcare system available to me right now. Childcare. That's another issue which I will leave alone right now.

Speaking of which, I need to stop my rant so that I can get Amara to bed before John gets here and I get into trouble for her being up before he gets here. God forbid that should happen, because I don't know what might come out of my mouth if he dares complain...

Love,
Rachel

Questions Answered

Every so often, I hear a person refer to that couple, those parents, or that woman as being in a negative light because they or she are "split up" or "divorced." Just this weekend, after helping a young girl who had just suffered a drug induced medical problem, I heard this from her parents about the other "bad" parents they know. Immediately, I became conscious of my bare left ring finger since I had already spoken lovingly about my children. You see, I am a single mother.

Divorce was never supposed to happen to me. I was supposed to grow up, marry, and die old and happy with that man. I was not supposed to have a different last name than my children. The term "ex husband" was not supposed to be in my personal life. But here I am, legally allowed to use my maiden name, locking my own doors at night, working a full time job while being a full time at home mom.

Many people have wondered why things are this way, and here it is: I am divorced because there was severe abuse in my marriage. Sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically. I have had to do things that I never wanted to do. Things happened to me that I never wanted to happen. Many people who saw us had no idea what was happening behind closed doors...but it's awful hard to tell someone when you are barricaded from escape, your phone is taken away, and your hand is squeezed so hard that you have no choice but to drop your car keys.  You can't always run fast enough, or say the "right" thing soon enough. Sometimes, you get to the point where you eventually convince yourself that you "want" to do certain things just because then at least it's easier to get through the required actions, and you know you will continue to be pressured until you give in, anyway.

I am not divorced because my husband left me (I "left" him), because we argued about money (we didn't), or because we got tired of each other (well, I think he got tired of the kids and me, because we weren't even allowed to be in the living room when he was home at night towards the end of things). I am divorced because I couldn't do it anymore, and my children deserve a home where they are safe physically, emotionally, and mentally (hey, maybe I do, too). God comes first in my life, and my marriage was not allowing that to happen because I wasn't safe and our home was inundated with sin. It wasn't a choice. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I never will again.

Fast forward to now, days less than a year since I left. The kids and I are in the best place we've ever been. We saw a change in the children very shortly after leaving--they were more peaceful, joyful, etc.. People are still telling me that I look alive and happy again. And me? Well, I am finally at peace because I am healed emotionally, safe, and I can now worship God without someone restraining me. We play at home now. We sing. We dance.We pray as a family. We smile and laugh. We tell Bible stories and go to church. And my life is God's now. Again. That's where I belong. My hope is only in Him. My heart, He holds. He rescued us and lifted us out of that place.

My ex-husband, I have seen a lot of changes in him since we left. However, there are some things that I don't think will ever change. I hope the best for him, but if it wasn't for him being my children's biological father, I would have had nothing to do with him since February 1, 2011. I praise God for giving me life again, and for giving my children a future without fear.

Oh, and I have a boyfriend. Yes, a single mother of two children, working in a male-dominated field (I am a Paramedic), who is dating. And you know what? It's a gift so precious from God to me and my children that my face still hurts from smiling so much, even three months after he became a part of our lives. Talk about a perfect substitute in our lives--WOW! My life is not what I had planned, and previously, I think I judged people who had broken marriages negatively without even realizing it, either. Sometimes, though, brokenness is a blessing because sometimes getting to where you need to be requires breaking through to the light. And that is what we did.

Your glory is so beautiful, I fall on my knees in awe. 

The heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light, because your glory is so beautiful.

My life is Yours. My hope is in You only. 

My heart, You hold.

'cuz you make this sinner holy.

This Mama Will Raise Her Children RIGHT

I called the Judge's chambers today and got word that my divorce was signed yesterday, just-the-way-I-wrote-it. Which means, I have full custody and I control the visitation of my children. According to New York State, having full custody means that I am responsible for the decisions in my children's lives. This includes spiritual/moral ones, which have been my biggest battle with John lately.

The inconsistency in seeing the kids, asking about them, and talking to them is something I can deal with. I sobbed all day after he told me he was going to be spending Thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her children, not including his own (and then didn't call or ask about his kids for two days after Thanksgiving). Somehow, walking out of their life for two weeks hurt me more than them. In fact, I think they're young enough that not seeing daddy more than once or twice to sleep at his house wasn't even noticed. He has since apologized and apparently (I hope?) realized how wrong it was to neglect them like that. Now, all of the sudden, he demands a visitation schedule. But herein is where the problem lies.

I found out about another woman spending the night while the children were there not through John, but through Amara. Not cool. This has become a problem that he and his girlfriend are very rigid about. However, I am morally opposed to cohabitation before marriage, especially when you have only known the other person 1 week, this is the first time your children meet her, and your children cannot access your bed if they should need to during the night (I believe they are physically safe, since apparently the gate is placed near John's door and he says he gets up if he hears Amara at it). However. What does this say to a 3-year-old about importance and who is more important to Daddy? What kind of message does this give about our bodies and sexuality? What does this say about using good judgement and being patient and relationships?

Prior to this, John was opposed to anyone spending the night while the kids were present. Now, not only is this happening, but I am in trouble for being opposed to it still. And not only this, but I am also told that there is talk of John moving in with his girlfriend and her kids and cohabiting for at least 6 years before she is done with school. BUT, "don't worry," I am told--my children will have their own bedroom at her house! Oh, great, I feel all fuzzy and warm inside now...

The visitation problems, the demanding a schedule so he "can be free every other weekend," etc. (but I am told at the same time that he does in fact want to see his children, and this is not about wanting to see them--ok...)...I can deal with these things. I cannot, and will not, tolerate modeling sin to my children though. None of us are perfect, but it is totally unacceptable to continually and habitually model inappropriate and unhealthy things--and to know you are doing it, on top of everything else!

It has broken this mama's heart the last two weeks to see these things transpire. I have cried many, many tears over my children and their souls that I so deeply want to protect and help to grow in the image of Christ.  But...I have full custody now. My hands are tied no longer. In the eyes of the state of New York, I am responsible for my children. I believe this also means I will be held to a higher standard than John before God for the upbringing of my children. So with all of that said, I am making a few changes.

Let it be known that this mama will raise her children right. Their father can and should be involved--if it is healthy. I will go to supervised visits only if need be. This means, that there will be no drugs even not around the children (which I do NOT believe he is partaking in at this time), there will be no women spending the night while the kids are there (what you do in your own time is your own business), my children will not be spending the night at someone else's house without my express permission. Also, I will have the contact information of anyone who may care for my children, and I will also get to know that person before they care for my children. You will not be swearing or yelling at or in front of my children. You will not break things, throw things, or hurt them or anyone else when they are around. You will model no sexual behavior in front of them if you cannot do so healthily and appropriately. If you profess Christianity, I will hold you to that standard when it comes to my children. I also expect that you will put my children's interest before your own or anyone else's when they are with you.

That's all. It's simple, really. My children are going to be raised right, and with Godly principles. If you aren't on board with this idea, then you had better find another ship.

You have rights, too.

Dear Single Mom,

You have rights, too. Don't forget it. God entrusted you with those beautiful children. You are going to answer for yourself and how YOU parented, not how your ex-husband did or does. Be gracious, but do not allow yourself to lose things that your child would have had you be part of if you were still married to their father.

You. Are. Still. The. Mama. Hold on to those babies, raise them right, be a good role model, don't sin in your loneliness or anger, and remember that you aren't helpless. Your kids want you as much as you want them. Don't let yourself get pushed out of their lives.

Bill of Rights for Divorced Mothers

• I have the right to be involved in any and every aspect of my children's lives. I can attend any event I want to and be part of any normal thing that may occur, including all Holidays and events of particular significance.
• I should not be made to feel like I can't or shouldn't ask questions about where my children are or who they are with.
• I have the right to meet and get to know people that will become significant in the life of my children. This is not me approving or disapproving--it is simply me wanting to understand and relate to the things that affect and are important to my children.
• If my children ever want me, I have the right to come.
• I have the right to know about significant things going on in my children's life from YOU, their father, not from THEM. This means if some woman is spending the night at your house while they are there, you should probably tell me beforehand so I don't find out by way of our 3-year-old at dinner the next day.
• I have the right to interact with you and whomever your significant other is WITH our children present. It is important that they see the entire family unit interacting positively. This doesn't need to happen all of the time, but I should not be told I cannot be around if your significant other is.
• I have the right to be respected by you, the father. You will not speak poorly about me to our children, nor will disregard my boundaries and standards for our children. If you disagree with something, we will come to a compromise together. Consistency between the parents is important, as is the children seeing that we value each other as parents.
• I have the right to protect my children. From anyone and anything. They are my first priority, and I am allowed to unleash the mama bear within me if she is needed. God made me a mama.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• I have the right to love and be loved by both of my parents, without guilt, pressure, disapproval or rejection.
• I have the right to be protected from my parents' anger.
• I have the right to be kept out of the middle of my parents' conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
• I have the right to have a regular daily and weekly routine, one that is not filled with unpredictable disruptions, chaos, or unpleasant surprises.
• I have the right to not have to choose between my parents. It is my right to not be expected to choose with whom I will live. Having to make this kind of choice will always hurt someone, and therefore, me. I have this right even when I am a teenager. I CAN NEVER CHOOSE BETWEEN MY PARENTS.
• I have the right not to be responsible for the emotional needs of my parents.
• I have the right to know well in advance about any major changes that will affect my life.
• I have the right to reasonable financial support from my parents.
• I have the right to appropriately express my feelings to my parents and expect that they will listen to me.
• I have the right to not be expected to make adult decisions. I have the right to remain a child and not replace a parent in my duties, or to act as an adult companion, personal friend or comforter to my parents.
• I have the right to like and love as many people (such as stepparents and relatives) as I want to without guilt and without being made to feel disloyal.
• I have the right to a life as close as possible to what I would have had if my parents had stayed married to each other.

This composition is a widely circulated one. Sad that it had to be written in the first place, but good that it is available since I believe that divorce is always originally caused by selfish decisions--and selfish people tend to not change. A written set of guidelines for those people can be particularly valuable in advocating for the children, and for mediating between the adults about the children in a "broken family" sort of situation. 

I challenge you to create a bill of rights for the children in your home, married or not. Keeping yourself accountable as a parent is the second step in being a good parent. The first step is true love--make sure you know how to do it correctly.