Dear Blog, I am Miserable.

I just need to complain for a moment. I'm sure as heck not going to do it on Facebook (I hate that), nor am I going to call Ben just to complain some more (I've done that enough this week)...but...I am near the point of a breakdown, so need to vent. Hence, the blog.

Dear Blog,

I want nothing more than to be wearing comfortable jammies, snuggled in Ben's arms in my bed right now. With kids elsewhere so I can rest and not always be on high alert and in demand. I am SICK and my emotional control capacity is near zero. My respiratory system is stuffed and stressed, my muscles hurt, my joints ache, and my skin is overly sensitive (happens whenever I get a bad cold or the flu). I tried so hard to not get sick with all of this crap going around--I even made two of my patients wear masks earlier this week! But here I am, and I have to get up at 4:30am tomorrow morning so I can go do a 17 hour shift at work followed by leaving for class five hours after my shift ends, driving two hours, sitting through 8 hours of class, driving another two hours, getting kids, driving home, and getting everyone to bed. I don't feel as though I can handle all... or maybe any...of this right now.

I am overwhelmed with the stuff in my life--trying for months to get insurance for the kids just to finally be told TODAY that my county is not served by the company I have been working with (I cried on the phone with the insurance representative), I have hundreds of dollars in medical bills as a result of all of that. I am nervous about the ridiculous drive I'll be doing for school, plus the work hours that may not allow adequate sleep around my class day. I am so far behind on house work it makes me want to either throw my entire house out or throw up because there's no way I'll ever get it all done. Every errand I make, I have to bring two kids with me...which meant I had to go through the lines and metal detectors and stairs TWICE today because once I'd gotten everyone back and buckled in the car after visiting the county treasurer's office, I then realized I had left the paper that I'd gone there to get in the first place up on the treasurer's counter! Go figure.

My phone doesn't even charge, so John is coming over to sit here for a few minutes while the kids are asleep so I can run to Walmart and buy an alarm clock since I won't be able to use my phone's. (this is actually a pretty big deal that he is willing to do this). Ugh.

Cheerios are ground into the floor, there is red popsicle on the white couch pillow, and I still have two loads of laundry to fold, one in the dryer, and one still to start tonight. That's after the three loads I just folded and put away. :-|

Amara isn't in bed yet. I haven't slept well in days. This is partly because I've gotten out of work late (got us home after midnight two nights ago), and partly because Amara hasn't slept well which means I'm dealing with screaming, crying, and kicking. Which is fine, but sleep is a good idea, too.

Yeah. Oh, and I feel totally gross about my body. I hate being fat. And then I hate myself because I am not working out and I'm not starving myself. So I guess I deserve to be fat, but then I think, I DON'T deserve to be fat. I breastfed my two kids! Mom's who nurse aren't supposed to stay FAT after giving BIRTH!

Whatever. I'm in such a rotten mood I don't even care right now. Totally overwhelmed and not happy with any tax or healthcare system available to me right now. Childcare. That's another issue which I will leave alone right now.

Speaking of which, I need to stop my rant so that I can get Amara to bed before John gets here and I get into trouble for her being up before he gets here. God forbid that should happen, because I don't know what might come out of my mouth if he dares complain...

Love,
Rachel

Questions Answered

Every so often, I hear a person refer to that couple, those parents, or that woman as being in a negative light because they or she are "split up" or "divorced." Just this weekend, after helping a young girl who had just suffered a drug induced medical problem, I heard this from her parents about the other "bad" parents they know. Immediately, I became conscious of my bare left ring finger since I had already spoken lovingly about my children. You see, I am a single mother.

Divorce was never supposed to happen to me. I was supposed to grow up, marry, and die old and happy with that man. I was not supposed to have a different last name than my children. The term "ex husband" was not supposed to be in my personal life. But here I am, legally allowed to use my maiden name, locking my own doors at night, working a full time job while being a full time at home mom.

Many people have wondered why things are this way, and here it is: I am divorced because there was severe abuse in my marriage. Sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically. I have had to do things that I never wanted to do. Things happened to me that I never wanted to happen. Many people who saw us had no idea what was happening behind closed doors...but it's awful hard to tell someone when you are barricaded from escape, your phone is taken away, and your hand is squeezed so hard that you have no choice but to drop your car keys.  You can't always run fast enough, or say the "right" thing soon enough. Sometimes, you get to the point where you eventually convince yourself that you "want" to do certain things just because then at least it's easier to get through the required actions, and you know you will continue to be pressured until you give in, anyway.

I am not divorced because my husband left me (I "left" him), because we argued about money (we didn't), or because we got tired of each other (well, I think he got tired of the kids and me, because we weren't even allowed to be in the living room when he was home at night towards the end of things). I am divorced because I couldn't do it anymore, and my children deserve a home where they are safe physically, emotionally, and mentally (hey, maybe I do, too). God comes first in my life, and my marriage was not allowing that to happen because I wasn't safe and our home was inundated with sin. It wasn't a choice. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I never will again.

Fast forward to now, days less than a year since I left. The kids and I are in the best place we've ever been. We saw a change in the children very shortly after leaving--they were more peaceful, joyful, etc.. People are still telling me that I look alive and happy again. And me? Well, I am finally at peace because I am healed emotionally, safe, and I can now worship God without someone restraining me. We play at home now. We sing. We dance.We pray as a family. We smile and laugh. We tell Bible stories and go to church. And my life is God's now. Again. That's where I belong. My hope is only in Him. My heart, He holds. He rescued us and lifted us out of that place.

My ex-husband, I have seen a lot of changes in him since we left. However, there are some things that I don't think will ever change. I hope the best for him, but if it wasn't for him being my children's biological father, I would have had nothing to do with him since February 1, 2011. I praise God for giving me life again, and for giving my children a future without fear.

Oh, and I have a boyfriend. Yes, a single mother of two children, working in a male-dominated field (I am a Paramedic), who is dating. And you know what? It's a gift so precious from God to me and my children that my face still hurts from smiling so much, even three months after he became a part of our lives. Talk about a perfect substitute in our lives--WOW! My life is not what I had planned, and previously, I think I judged people who had broken marriages negatively without even realizing it, either. Sometimes, though, brokenness is a blessing because sometimes getting to where you need to be requires breaking through to the light. And that is what we did.

Your glory is so beautiful, I fall on my knees in awe. 

The heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light, because your glory is so beautiful.

My life is Yours. My hope is in You only. 

My heart, You hold.

'cuz you make this sinner holy.

Five Hours Early

Nine pm came early today; at four pm, actually. Five hours early. That's five hours longer tonight that I get to feel...lonely. It's hardest during the stretches when I don't work. Normally, a single parent would go to work, then shift into parent time at home, and then after parent time was done, then the loneliness might hit. Single people, I imagine, experience this upon coming home from work. So maybe today I am just feeling like a single person minus the parent part...who knows. Either way, it is lonely.

Today is day number four in a row that I haven't worked. And I have two more after this one. It's not that I don't love being the primary caregiver of my children--that is a blessing I don't take for granted...but after you haven't seen or talked to anyone over the height of 3' (if even that) in hours or days, you start to really, really crave adult interaction. The little things, like hearing about someone else's day and having them ask about yours, making dinner because there is someone else who actually prefers a real meal over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and relaxing after the kids go to bed instead of cleaning.

Relaxing. There is no one to touch or to touch you. There is no one to listen to breathe at night (ok, well, I do admit that more often than not lately, Amara sneaks her way into my bed toward the morning hours). If you laugh, you do it alone. There is no end in sight, no R&R that's going to bring your loved one home for a little while...so you just keep going. You find joy in the other little things, and transform your sadness over being lonely into joy over the expectation that someday, you will share these things again. Every day, you do it again, and come up with ways to fill that 9pm lonely syndrome so it doesn't overpower you.

But today...today, 9pm is here early. And so as I watch my beautiful babies eat their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, as I wash little faces and hands, as I pick up toys and vacuum cereal off the floor, as I work on my projects...I sing lullabies to myself, hold my own heart, and carry my head high. I will not allow this feeling to affect me negatively. I can fight it for five extra hours today. I will not make mistakes or dwell or feel bad for myself because I am alone. I will instead count today as a blessing, because even in those five extra hours, I am accomplishing things, I am developing into a stronger and better person inside, and after all, once today and these five extra hours are over, I will be one day closer to not being lonely any more.

Love vs. Idol Worship

I am disgusted. Unfortunately, I happened across a keeper-at-home blog and read a post. Might not be such a bad thing, but I tend to avoid these sorts of writings anymore, because I feel that the mindset of a woman's purpose in life being to only serve her husband (because this is how you serve God, if you are a woman) is not only un-Biblical, but FALSE and HARMFUL at best.

Read this post, and then continue reading mine: http://www.abowlofmossandpebbles.com/?p=4040

While I completely agree with supporting your husband, being a helpmeet, loving him through actions, etc., I do not believe that I should raise my daughters with the mindset that everything they are learning is to ultimately serve another person. God gives us talents, desires, opportunities, and abilities. Why are these girls focusing all of their time and energy on the dream of serving a man when they could be developing what God set them apart to do and begin to do it now? Is not this idea placing an idol before God, since it removes the focus of him, and forces you to look at serving him through the object of a spouse?

Instead of using my singleness to focus on being married, I want my singleness to be focused on serving God and reaching people NOW. God created me as a capable person, and let's remember that God is just as much male as he is female, just as much father as he is mother. I am not going to go study books on cars just in case I marry a mechanic. I am not going to go stock up a closet full of homemade blankets just because someday, a man might sleep in my bed with me (or, shall I say, me sleep in his bed with him?). I am not going to practice making tofu dishes just in case he is a vegan. I am, though, going to fix anything within myself that needs healing so that I can be a whole person, thus able to reach out to others NOW and so that I can have a stronger marriage LATER. I am going to earn a living to the best of my ability now so that I can take care of myself and my family NOW and also have a firm foundation for LATER. And you know what? I am going to learn things that I am interested in, develop the talents I have, and work hard to achieve the desires that God has laid upon my heart. Why? Because God put them there, not because I want my future husband to be proud.

Why am I so adamant about this topic? Loving your husband isn't harmful, after all, right? Serving him fixes things, it doesn't create problems, right? Maybe, maybe not. It happens all too often that "christian" women get so focused on being a good wife (because that's what makes us holy, you know), that they forget that God is their head more than their husband is. "Spousal worship" is the term I like to use for this. Your spouse comes home, and like he does every day, he is grumpy, complains to you, belittles you, throws something at you because you aren't as mad as he is, etc.. If you love him and are a good wife, you should just forgive him, pray for him more, and try to make the home environment more pleasant so he will want to come home and treat you respectfully...Right? If this is a regular thing, though, maybe what he really needs is a swift kick in the butt, whether that means you tell him that under no circumstances is he to treat you or your children as if they have no value (if he will respond to this, and if it's a daily thing, he probably won't), or that you pack his bags and move him out (unfortunately, that truly is the only thing that will make some people change). Are you truly loving someone if you continue to allow them to act this way? Is he not sinning? Does God tolerate sin? If you are truly a helpmeet, why do you tolerate this behavior if it is an ongoing thing (we are not speaking of the mistakes that everyone makes from time to time; I am speaking of habitually mistreating people, thus having abusive patterns within your relationship)? And are you, then, sinning yourself, because you have now begun to worship your spouse instead of God?

Be careful, is all I'm saying. Know the difference between loving your husband and worshiping your husband. Know the difference between preparing to be a great spouse and forgetting about the calling that God has for you individually. Realize that you are insulting your creator by not developing and pursuing that which he gave you the ability and desire to do.