THAT sort of day.

It's one of those days. You know, the one where you put on your sexiest bra and wear a thong just because some part of your life, no matter how minuscule or private, needs to feel good about itself.

I am a grouch. I don't want to be a mean mom because of it, so I'm going to do my complaining here and then pick myself up and move on.

First off, I'm freakin' tired. Really, does a person need to stay up until 1am? Especially if she is going to get up with her kids multiple times a night and then be up for the day by 0730? I am thinking not so much unless she's doing CPR on her neighbor. That's the main thing. If I wasn't so tired, I could handle life a lot better.

Somehow, being tired and not having life go the way you actually want it to go makes all of the little things seem like big things. Like the fact that I don't own a pair of jeans that look cute on me. Good heavens, why is it so hard to find a pair of pants that fit a ghetto booty and smaller waist? Impossible around Upstate NY, apparently. So then one could deduce that I need to lose weight. Well, that's obvious. But instead of doing what I need to do to accomplish that (which I really do want to do), I am eating cold, leftover pizza with my 2-year-old for breakfast. Yes, mommy is on a roll today.

Speaking of Upstate NY, why do we even live here? It's dark, freezing, has the worst tax rates in the COUNTRY, and one of the highest (if not the highest) depression rates.

Depression reminds me that all of the people I know are depressed. I want to help them but can't. I hate having my hands tied.

At least now that I'm on the topic of other people, I can get the focus off of myself.

So dear depressed people in the world, I am going to work on saving you today. All while wearing my sexy bra and a thong.

32 Weeks

At my 32-week appointment, I discussed with Deb the fact that I needed to go off work. I was having contractions constantly, was out of breath all the time, and would black out if I stood up, bent down, etc.. Not good. She agreed without hesitation and I didn't go to work the next day.

Thank God.

My last day working (Monday), my boss called me in and told me that I was the only employee to ever talk to HR about problems (which I know for a fact is untrue). I had recently just sent an honest "is it legal for me to have to take sick or vacation time for a Dr.'s appointment as a salaried employee" email to our HR guy. The reason? I was singled out and asked to do that when no one else was. Just a questions. Seriously.

Anyway, the whole conversation with my boss was really overwhelming to me. He brought up the whole issue surrounding the symposium last year that I presented at (the one that my boss' boss told me that I didn't need to bring my baby to the three day event because nursing was "neither important or necessarry." Oh YES she did.), and made it clear that they were still holding it against me. WOW. Especially when they were legally and ethically wrong with that incident.

Well, as soon as I was taken off of work, my contractions stopped. I thought it might be coincidental until I saw my boss while I was driving about a week later. As soon as I realized it was him, I began having big contractions again. I'm thinking I was stressed out a bit at that job.

The shortness of breath and blacking out continued until a few weeks later when we realized my iron was at a dangerously low level. Once I began an iron supplement that got a WHOLE lot better, too.

After all of that drama, I spent my days finally preparing for my son to arrive and finally got to experience being a stay-at-home mom. Sick, ridiculously pregnant or not, I got to raise my daughter. Finally.

I will write...

It's been so long that I have reguarly kept up either of my blogs, but particularly this one. The reason for that is threefold: 1) I was taken off of work when I was 32-weeks pregnant with Timothy and thus lost my Internet connection. 2) After he was born and we got the Internet at our house, my life was so ridiculously, insanely, crazy with a 20-month-old and newborn that taking 3 minutes to sit down at the computer was out of the question. 3) life has been very tumultuous the last few months and making myself process it with words is a lot harder than ignoring it altogether.

But I'm going to begin writing again.

It will take me a while to catch up, but I am going to push through the past as quickly as possible so I can being writing about today again.

I need it. Writing is cathartic for me.