I'm both excited and nervous as I wait for our first ultrasound and midwife appointment today. After having the ectopic scare, not knowing exactly when you're due, and feeling completely different this pregnancy as compared to my last one, I'm nervous that things aren't okay. Now, I know that every mama in the first trimester worries unnecessarily, and I tell myself that's what I'm doing...but there's still the what if?
What if I don't see you today? What if your precious baby heart isn't beating, or they can't find you anywhere in my womb? What if.
What if I do see you today, moving all around and discovering your new found being? What if I get to see life giving blood course through your forming organs, and I get to hear the sweet "whoosh-whoosh" of your heart? What if.
Either way, I can have peace knowing that Jesus holds you in His arms. On October 24th--the same day that we had our scare, I remember sitting on the living room floor and crying because I did not want to give you to God. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Amara, I immediately reacted by handing her over to the Lord. With you, it's much harder. I now know what it's like to let a baby go even if it's just to her Grandma for the day. That in itself is difficult enough for me, and I just want to be selfish with you and tell God that he can have someone else. Not my baby. No one can have my babies again.
After we were told that things might not be working out with you, I remembered my earlier chat with God. I cried again as I told God that I must be pretty dumb if I think I can do a better job taking care of you than he can. So I gave you back to him. Not because I really want to, but because I know he can do better than I can.
So either way today, if we find out things are progressing wonderfully or if we find out that things are already over, it's going to be okay with me. I know that God holds you in his strong and loving arms already--whether you're meant to be an earth child or an angel baby.
You are our baby and we love you.
PS- after all of the ups and downs we've already been through, I am going to be so stinking excited when I see you today!!!!!!
I'm excited for you, praying for the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard Selah's song I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)? The end of your post reminds me of portion of it, where the mom is saying how much she loves her daughter she lost, and no one can love her like she does, but then she says, basically, No, God can love like that, too. It makes me cry every time.