I am not who I was

For as long as I've been taking personality profiles, I have been told that I am so concerned with the welfare of others that I will sacrifice and lose myself in the process of serving someone else. There is a term for the extent to which this became a problem in my life: subjugation. I would always take it upon myself to do or approve of what the significant people in my life wanted me to do because I was either afraid of their response if I didn't, or I would feel guilty if I didn't. Clearly, this leads to people taking advantage of you and to you partaking in destructive things. It's as though you love someone so much that you give them permission to destroy you and the relationship.

Times have changed though, and I am very proud right now because for the first time ever, I took a personality profile (without even realizing it), and got this as the result:

You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able

You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.

When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.

You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.

My heart and mind started changing last Fall, and I have completed the healing process for my subjugation. It's truly only by God's love for me that I was able to understand and come through this (along with lots of literature and work on my part). For the first time EVER, I have a balence. I am now able to love and serve people, but with healthy boundaries in place. This is a huge deal, because this was my largest personal problem. I suspected that I was free of subjugation the last two months or so, but being affirmed now that I have come through this puts a smile on my face, and gives me comfort to face the night.

Tonight, I am lonely, but I am free from the bondage of subjugation and that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.

You Are Strong

Dear Single Mom,

You are strong. Don't let them get you down. You can let them know if you want to, but this is your story and your heart...and you can choose to let others in as much or as little as you want. You do not need to bare yourself so they can see the scars. You do not need to tell the war stories. You do not need to give in to their gossip by telling everyone everything so you can have the satisfaction of seeing the pain in their eyes when they know what you have been through and feel guilty for condemning you.

You will be ok. Don't believe everything they say. You will heal. You will be loved. You will wake up tomorrow and begin a new day...and if that day doesn't go so well, the sun will set, you will go to sleep, and you will wake up again. It's alright if you want to sit and cry for hours, but don't feel that you need to just because someone thinks that's what women do when their marriages fall apart. Don't feel like you need to let all of the things that are waging war against your heart and mind right now take over and incapacitate you for the next three months. You do not need to give in to the emptiness, loneliness, and confusion. You see, it's ok to be happy right now, too, and to accept the peace and restoration that God brings to people in times like these.

You are going to make it, and not just that, but you are going to rise above your past and your current situation. You were created for beautiful and powerful things. You have a Father who is holding you, and who was here before you. He knows your name. He knows the mixed pain and joy in the deepest parts of your soul. And he knows that you are an amazing woman with great strength...because he gave that to you for this exact moment.

Keep being strong. You know, and it's ok if others don't.

xoxoxo

Moving Forward

He is getting an apartment. We will move him in next weekend, probably. It's small. Not any room for the kids, but it's affordable and he can stay at the house when he has the kids. Things will be separate: our money, our living spaces, our days. The cell phone and insurance bills will stay the same, but I will now be taking on the responsibilty of providing enough for my family to keep my house and everything working in it. It won't be easy. In fact, I haven't quite figured out yet how I will make everything work, but that doesn't scare me. I can taste the freedom from the emotional bondage that comes with being married to and living with someone who has hurt you so deeply that some days, even your scars bleed. I love him, of course, but part of my heart died a long time ago and we are killing ourselves trying to revive it. It is time to let go. We both know this is what God has ordained for this time. What the future holds, we have no idea, but we know that HE has already been there...and there is great comfort knowing that.

You know you are doing the right thing when your relief outweighs your fear.

Now, I will focus on relearning to breathe. It will be difficult, but it already is.

1) Support my family. This will require extreme control in spending, using my blog to get things my kids need, and finding new ways to make more money as well as to save money.

2) Reconnect with God on the level I had before I was married. It will be sooooo good and I am looking forward to all of the peace that will bring!

3) Get in shape. I have 364 days left before our not-dating pact is up, so I should probably start getting rid of this mom body. ;-) Kidding. Well, sort of. I kind of loathe my body (awful, I know, but true). It was going to change regardless of my relational status. I am just listing it here because this is my running tally of things to do and focus on, not because I actually have any intentions of trusting anyone enough to date again.

It Feels Like Death

Death can be a calculated thing. So calculated, in fact, that it can end with life.

Having a plan for death prolongs it from happening. You see, if you go over that edge and want to jump out of the moving car, you might be stopped if you already have your death plan in place. Instead of ending your life with a face that was rubbed around the cement and a body that had to be hosed away by the fire truck, you could instead be assured a peaceful (or violent) death with body intact. If you have a plan.

The more important thing, though, is that when you know you've been balancing on the edge that valley for a long time and that you could be pushed over with the touch of a finger, a plan can in fact save your life instead of end it. It's almost like insurance. May sound crazy to some people, but perfectly sane to the sufferer. If you want to die anyway, you may as well wait to run your plan instead of act on a whim. See?

A plan buys time, and time buys change. That's why a death plan is good when you're on the edge; you then have the option to die the way you want to, which will take time to put into place and follow through with when you have been pushed over that edge. Instead of jumping out of the moving car, you will wait to get home and get everything ready. By the time that happens, life, your emotions, and surrounding events can change. It buys you time, and in some cases, time equals life.

No one wants to die, until you want to die. Calculated death...may just be the solution to ending your day alive.

Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Lake Walk & Love

There are always couples there. Must be something about lakes; people go in pairs. Once in a while you see a single man who sits and watches, and obviously, creeps everyone out. I wonder when I go if I also would be considered a Creeper.

I first pass a couple. She has wild, untamed, curly, frizzy, everywhere-like, red hair. It graces her shoulders, bare from her tank top that V's to show a lot of cleavage. She's heavy, but it works and her outfit screams that she's alive just as much as her hair screams that she is free. He is facing her three-quarters. Dark hair, a collared shirt. They're kind of making out, pausing here and there to just hold each other and study those who pass them by. Anyone can see the LIFE that spills out of their love. Life.

I walk on in an attempt to find another space to occupy. The building at the end of the pier is empty and I wonder at how my fortune could be so good. As I get closer, I listen to the water lap at the boards under my feet. The railings that beg me to climb over them, the chains that ask me to move them. There is a ship, something that I can imagine taking me to faraway places where the distance between me and my life is so great that anything in my mind can drift away at will. The masts stand tall, the woodwork beautiful.

Then I see a figure, sitting just beyond the building. I go closer, moving to the other side, and then I see the second figure. Yes, always in pairs. Two females. Not standing close together. Talking. I focus on the water and the beating I hear against the rocks. My feet dangle over the water, knees hanging over the edge of the pier. I study the distant horizon and the lights reflecting on the water. I want my surroundings to consume me but they do not. She starts crying, and I decide that's when I should probably leave.

On my way back, I think about everything. How you told me you would get a divorce. How I saw the papers up on the computer screen. How there is a phone number sitting in our den with the number to a two bedroom apartment on it. And I don't know. When you told me on the phone...I don't know. Like a brick wave of sadness, but not because I'm sad about it. Rather, I'm sad that my life went this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I swore this would never happen to me.

I passed the love creating life couple on my way back. They smiled at me as they swung their interwoven hands between themselves. This wasn't supposed to happen to me.