Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Lake Walk & Love

There are always couples there. Must be something about lakes; people go in pairs. Once in a while you see a single man who sits and watches, and obviously, creeps everyone out. I wonder when I go if I also would be considered a Creeper.

I first pass a couple. She has wild, untamed, curly, frizzy, everywhere-like, red hair. It graces her shoulders, bare from her tank top that V's to show a lot of cleavage. She's heavy, but it works and her outfit screams that she's alive just as much as her hair screams that she is free. He is facing her three-quarters. Dark hair, a collared shirt. They're kind of making out, pausing here and there to just hold each other and study those who pass them by. Anyone can see the LIFE that spills out of their love. Life.

I walk on in an attempt to find another space to occupy. The building at the end of the pier is empty and I wonder at how my fortune could be so good. As I get closer, I listen to the water lap at the boards under my feet. The railings that beg me to climb over them, the chains that ask me to move them. There is a ship, something that I can imagine taking me to faraway places where the distance between me and my life is so great that anything in my mind can drift away at will. The masts stand tall, the woodwork beautiful.

Then I see a figure, sitting just beyond the building. I go closer, moving to the other side, and then I see the second figure. Yes, always in pairs. Two females. Not standing close together. Talking. I focus on the water and the beating I hear against the rocks. My feet dangle over the water, knees hanging over the edge of the pier. I study the distant horizon and the lights reflecting on the water. I want my surroundings to consume me but they do not. She starts crying, and I decide that's when I should probably leave.

On my way back, I think about everything. How you told me you would get a divorce. How I saw the papers up on the computer screen. How there is a phone number sitting in our den with the number to a two bedroom apartment on it. And I don't know. When you told me on the phone...I don't know. Like a brick wave of sadness, but not because I'm sad about it. Rather, I'm sad that my life went this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I swore this would never happen to me.

I passed the love creating life couple on my way back. They smiled at me as they swung their interwoven hands between themselves. This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

stronger woman (Jewel)

Well tonight, I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be, oh

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

How long is enough?

How long is long enough? At what point does the line between trying out of integrity and trying because you're foolish get crossed? Actions can change, but the feelings, thought patterns, and habits that cause those actions are much harder to control. I realize that part of me is where I am out of fear, but as I let go of some of those fears, I am wondering if it is omre unfair of me to stay in this relationship than it is to be done with it. I feel as though I am leading him on by answering his questions "correctly" and responding with the appropriate "I love you's," and "we'll be fine" statements during conversation, for they are pledged to avoid the inevitable questioning of my thoughts and intentions that follows any pause in my speech. If I didn't notice that he wasn't looking at me, then I am accused of not caring that I am with him. Should he text me before I think of it during my lunch break, I am told that I don't want to talk to him and have caused him hurt, confusion, and sadness. All of this because I didn't act how he needed me to soon enough.

I am weary. My heart literally hurts from the stress caused by this situation. The pressure from having to act in particular ways becomes a physical wave that encapsulates your body and soul. Once the cycle begins, it's hard to mentally stay with the conversation, making it worse as I appear uninterested. Having to be oh so careful with tonal inflictions and facial expressions so that your two-year-old doesn't yell at mommy and daddy to stop talking. Trying to gently say "I need to stop talking" or "we really need sleep" with the intentions of genuinely caring and wanting to defuse a situation before it gets out of control is met with pleas, promises, and reasons to continue talking.

It's better, yes, but is it enough? H ave I crossed the line into foolishness when I should have changed directions long ago? What would be best for him is to be able to stand on his own and not depend on me for his happiness and self worth. What would be best for me, though? And what is best for my children? The answer to these questions evades me. If this is because I genuinely don't know the answer, or because I won't allow myself to admit it, I don't know.

Posted at least 1 week after being composed

Safe in your arms

My face is pressed against your chest, burying my ear, cheek, eye, and half of my lips in the softness of your skin and warmth of your body. I listen to you breathe and the steady beating of your heart. There is nothing else around me in this moment except for you. I love this, but it is not what I love most.

Your arms are surrounding me, and I am safe. The encompass me, strong and unwavering. I can feel your muscles as they press into my back and shoulders, your hands as they settle in the curve of my waist and the side of my rib cage under my arm. You are blocking me into our world, turning my face to you and using your body to shield me from the outside. I can trust you.

Nothing needs to be said. We are just there, entangled and inseparable. I can finally rest and let down my guard, because you will carry me. For a moment, I don't have to be strong. Breathing in you, not fighting your arms, knowing that things really are ok...for right now, anyway.

And then I wonder, why would I leave? Why would I willingly choose to step away from the sanctuary you create from me? I don't want the turmoil of the world, the anxiety, the stress of constantly being on high alert and continually pulling from a reservoir of strength that is beginning to run dry. So why don't I stay?

Finally, I am loved with an unselfish, pure love. To be legitimately able to let my walls disappear because you are worthy of my trust. I believe that really you won't hurt me and that I won't ever have to protect myself from you...This is what I love most: being safe in your arms.

Becoming Introspective

I am finding myself becoming more and more introverted with my thoughts and feelings. John would read this and immediately tell me that I can tell him everything, etc., etc....and sure, I could. But some feelings I just don't want to. Some thoughts, I just don't want to. And really, I have no one to unload all of that on. It's a burden to carry alone, but there's so much trust involved in unloading all of your thoughts and feelings onto someone and I just don't have that any more.

To be willing to bare your soul to someone, first he can't be involved in whatever you're unloading. Or if he is, there has to be a way to be neutral-ish. Some sort of separation. Secondly, he has to truly care. It's far too scary to be that vulnerable to a person who may not care about your situation or to not even care if you tell him at all about it. Thirdly, he has to want to protect you. This makes you feel safe when you tell him, even if he doesn't have the ability to protect you (and most likely you will tell him that under penalty of death he is not to do anything in an attempt to "fix" anything you're going through, except to bring you good root beer and chocolate and to keep passing you tissues). Forth, he must have the ability to respond. Pillows and dogs don't count.

There is a unique sort of solace found in introspection, though. Dramatic effects are sure to be left out. There is no risk of a trust breach. There are no opinions but your own...which sometimes works against you since there is no one to correct your wrong thoughts.

Either way, I am becoming more this way...and am thinking from others' reactions that I should expedite the becoming so that I am there entirely.

it is worth it

It's painful. It's drawn out. It's lonely. Oh is it lonely. It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's angering.

But because I am me, once I am bound, I can't be released by my own will. Part of me is yours forever. We could not talk for ten years and it would be the same way--a piece of me, carefully packaged and branded with your name, just sitting and waiting for you in the depths of my being.

So here I will be. Different, yes. Numb, scared, unsure...but always caring. Always putting myself out there for you even when I know I will just be met with pain. Don't think this means you can use me, though. As time goes on, my protective wall will regenerate itself and it won't be the same for you. You will look into my eyes and see the sadness and you will know that it's now my reaction to you...you won't see any regret though, because I don't have any. And you will still see me smile, because...you still make me happy. It's weird like that.

All of this is worth the pain, because the bond is still beautiful. Mistreated, maybe. Forgotten about, probably, at least for now. But I'm ok right this second.

And I think it, you, is worth it.