A Thousand Fireflies Deep

Ya know what? I am happy. I don't mean "count all of your trials joy" sort of happy, but the real sort of happiness that you experience at your core. The kind that can't be shaken because even when you get an unexpected bill, you find the contents of a toothpaste tube squeezed out onto the counter, or your ex-husband puts your mind through a blender, that happy part of you isn't touched. It's in a place all of its own at the center of your heart, pumping joy throughout every artery in your body.

Joy unshakeable. Peace unquenchable. Hope with wings like an eagle.

It started with love like a firefly...

Obedience and understanding opened my door to the outside. It wasn't getting "rid" of someone that changed my life; it was finally realizing that God had something different in store for me than where I was, and that part of Him loving me is allowing justice to happen in my life and to stop the oppression. Only once I was willing to break out of that bondage in faith, not knowing what the future would hold or what survival may entail, was I able to begin to breathe again and start to feel the hand of God again. You see, He will not touch us unless we let him.

It took a while to get to the door even after I began to run for it. It was like finding your way through a dark garage that is piled high with stuff, boxes and shelves making a winding maze, and in my case, a labyrinth. Your adrenaline pushes you to be as fast as possible in your escape, but carrying and protecting two small and vulnerable children along the way slows you down as you elbow your way through the mess and pull their faces close to your chest. The thing about a dark labyrinth is that you don't know when it will end, you are unsure of the correct route that will lead to the end, and you don't anticipate all of the debilitating obstacles you bump into along the way before you get to the end. But eventually, it does end and you can begin to dust yourself off, put band-aids on your wounds, and watch the purple of a bruise fade away as you heal.

Once that door opened though, I was able to step out and into the beautiful night. Fresh air, a million stars hovering overhead, and a thousand fireflies deep. Everywhere you look, you see the twinkling and memorizing beating of tiny beads of light, like crystals against the midnight darkness. Like a firefly, it's that love that gently touches you, surrounds you silently, and gives you space as it dances along side of you. It moves with you, and becomes part of you as your eyes process the light it gives. It's peaceful and fluid. There to illuminate, remind you of beauty, and protect you from the night. And if you should ever forget that love is there, it will radiate again and remind you in its lullaby way, a thousand fireflies deep.