Wednesday, October 28, 2009

no more milk

I think my milk is gone. Or quickly leaving. If Amara had been born on her due date, she'd be 9 days past her first birthday right now, so I guess we've done well since she has had mama-milk since birth. I just assumed I'd be able to keep going through this next pregnancy, I guess. I wanted Amara to have milk through her second birthday as the World Health Organization recommends, but I'm sad to say that she drank a bottle of whole cow's milk yesterday since she didn't have enough from me. *sniff*

I suppose we could supplement with formula, but I figure that she'll be a year old in a few days so we might as well just use cow's milk. I wish I could make enough, but we're lucky if I get one bottle's worth after pumping all day. It's been like this for about a week now and it's not looking like there will be a change any time soon.

I'm stressed out today; The milk. The exhaustion I have from Amara waking me up all night long and from being pregnant. The wondering how far along I am and if everything's okay with my growing baby. Work and the drama there. Trying to not let my house suffocate me with the outrageous mess that it is. Having needed a shower for days but not having time to take one. Dealing with John being sick because he doesn't take care of himself. And dealing with him tearing apart the house but not helping with anything else around the house that needs to be done. Trying to throw a birthday party for Amara when we have no money. Oh, yeah, can't forget the lack of money, period.

I just want to go back to bed, but not in my house. I want to fall asleep somewhere else that's quiet, dark, and clean. I'm overwhelmed and underslept. It's great. Just great...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Now we know

Dear Baby,

Not everyone knows that you exist yet. In fact, I don't even know if I should have known yet. But I do, and I'm glad. This blog is for us, mainly. I want to document this pregnancy so that I can later look back on the sweetness of each day and remember your earliest moments.

I found out about you kind of randomly. On October 20th, I was offered a job as a paramedic on an ambulance and was excited to take it. Before calling the employer back with my decision, I decided that I'd better take a pregnancy test just in case since it wouldn't be good to take a new job, throw up all of the time, and then have to quit in 15 weeks when I can't lift anymore. I wasn't expecting that little blue line to appear at all after I took the home pregnancy test. I was so shocked that I actually screamed for your daddy (who was playing with your sister) to get into the bathroom and verify what I was seeing.

Well, he saw the line, too, and that line kept appearing on the next 3 tests I took. Okay, here's where I have to tell you the part that I don't really want to, and maybe I shouldn't: I cried when I found out. No, not tears of happiness. Tears of sadness and overwhelmness. You see, your older sister isn't even a year old yet, and this has been the hardest year of my life. I know you won't understand until you have children of your own (hey, my mom said it to me and I didn't think it was true either until I had a baby. It's true, so just believe me!), but once I had your sister, my life changed. I want to be with her every single second of the day. I want to see all of her "firsts". I want to teach her how to do everything. I want to spend each day delighting in everything about her...but I haven't been there. I've needed to work full time (and sometimes more than full time) since she was 6-weeks-old. I cried because I don't want to do that with you.

I want to give your sister all of the mommy time that she deserves, and I don't want anyone to take that away from her. I want to be with you, and I start feeling anxious when I think about the possibility that I might not get to stay home after you're born. I want my babies, darn it.

I cried because I felt overwhelmed. Your sister still wakes me up multiple times a night to nurse (which I love, but it does leave me very tired), I'm afraid of being too sick to work or take care of her, and our income is not very good right now. All of these things make me feel...well, overwhelmed. So I cried. Not because I didn't want you, but because I want so much more for you and your sister. *sigh*

Once we found out, we weren't sure what to do. I ate a bowl of ice cream and drank a soda since I figured they would have to be my last for the next indefinite period of time. We called your Aunt in Kentucky and she was thrilled. This will make three of us sisters (out of eight) pregnant at the same time. Oh yes. Three pregnant sisters. Slowly, we randomly told a few people here and there.

On Thursday, we told your grandparents. On Saturday, we went to the local pregnancy resource center to get an ultrasound. Since I don't really know how far along I am, we thought a free ultrasound was a great idea. What we didn't know at that time! To make a long story short, the man doing the ultrasound thought he saw an ectopic pregnancy or "something else that shouldn't be there" in the bowel region. His recommendation was, of course, to go to the ER immediately.

The ironic thing is that after we left the u/s room, the receptionist bumbled over to us and energetically gave us a photo frame and birth announcements, then explained how we could easily put the u/s printout of our baby into the frame. The printout that I had was of my "ectopic pregnancy" and not something you really want to put in a frame. I didn't know what to say to the lady, so I stuffed her gifts into my bag and left with your dad, his mom, and your sister in tow. I didn't cry until we had made it into the hallway and we had to tell your grandma why we didn't bring her in to see the ultrasound. There was some panic and more suggestions to go to the ER, but being a paramedic, I know what goes on in the ER and did not want to visit unless necessary. I called my midwife, Deb, instead.

Deb suggested that we get blood work to try to figure out how far along I even am (since I don't really know and the u/s guy said the "ectopic pregnancy" was 6-7 weeks along in size). Instead of dropping your sister off at my parent's house, they met us at Schuyler ER while I went in to get blood work. We ended up telling my sisters and a few close friends about you because of all of this. It wasn't fun explaining that yes, we were pregnant, but that you may not be in the right place so things might not work out. Not fun at all.

Daddy and I went to see "Where The Wild Things Are" movie while we waited to hear back about the blood work. Deb called me and interrupted the movie, but I was never so glad. She said that whatever the u/s guy saw, it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that my HCG levels look like we're 2-3 weeks from conception. So basically, we've just found out about you very early and that's why you didn't show up on the u/s screen!

I had a repeat HCG done on the 29th and things look good, placing your due date somewhere around July 1st, 2010. We have another u/s scheduled for 11/17 as well as our first "baby" appointment with Deb. We are so excited to see you and find out exactly when you're due!

So that's the story, and now we know. You exist, and even though I still worry (like all mothers during the first trimester), I am trusting that things are going okay. These next eight months are going to fly by! I can't wait to feel your kicks in my belly, complain because I can't sleep, am throwing up all of the time, and my back hurts...I can't wait to give birth to you, touching you before anyone else does, singing to you before anyone else does, and kissing your beautiful, beautiful sweet skin. This is crazy, but I even wish you were a set of twins! I never thought I'd want that, but Daddy says this will be our last one (we'll see), and I love, love, love you so much that I wish you were two. :-p I am absolutely not feeling pregnant with twins, though, so I think that's out of the question.

That's it. Now we just wait. So stay in there where you belong, grow fast and strong, and enjoy my love.



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