Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010

It's the eve of the year 2010, but it seems that only yesterday we were hearing of "Y2K," watched as a plane crashed into the second World Trade Center tower, and I graduated high school. I think that somewhere along the lines, we were told that cars were supposed to fly and teleportation would exist by 2010. Or at least people my age were supposed to be well set in their life and have a list the size of their arm of the adventures they had already had.

2009 was a peak and a valley at the same time for me. I've exerpienced more joy and awe than ever before--thanks to my beautiful daughter, but also more self hatred and depression than ever before--thanks to not being WITH my beautiful daughter. I've learned a lot, though. I've learned that I'm okay, life goes on, and my child is not going to experience the same anguish that I experience without her. She is okay, and in fact, thriving and happy with the situation of me working and her being with Daddy or Grandma-Mimi. It's me that has been left behind, but I am learning to pick myself up and move forward.

We bought a house, and I guess that's a big deal. Thankfully, that means our "rent" payment is lower. Unfortunately, we already want to move. Haha. Go figure.

I usually have a really accurate idea of what the next year will bring on the eve of January 1st, but this year, I'm just not sure. I feel kind of blank this time, like I can't see the future. I do know that I will be having a second beautiful child, and I am so entirely excited about that. I do know that our home will continue to be improved as Daddy works on it.

I hope that these things happen...
- our finances improve
- Daddy is able to get a rewarding, fulfilling, and well paying job that allows me to stay home
- we are able to develop a self supporting E-Commerce business that will allow us to easily move somewhere else
- we're able to get the baby items we need, and that I'm able to make something for this new baby
- safety
- improved phsyical and emotional health
- grow ever more closer to my family and to my Heavenly Father

I want this year to be the Spring in our life, following the Winter we've been in for a while. It would be so, so nice to relax...to move forward...to not hurt as much. Have I become afraid to hope, and is that why I can't feel the future?

Thank God for my October Hearts. We will make 2010 a great year no matter WHAT may befall us! Joy is something we can always choose to have.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Emotional

I'm emotional. I tear up at anything sentimental and happy these days. Just now, I was working on planning a baby shower for my younger sister (#3), and keep getting watering eyes. Choosing special games, thinking about what I want to say to her, considering doing a Blessingway (if she'd even want one, which I don't know about!)...The thing that got me the most was in choosing a birthing affirmation to read at her shower. This is one that I found on the Internet a while ago and fell in love with. I used pregnancy and birthing affirmations a lot with LoveBug, reading them outloud in the months leading up to her birth and then I also had my mother read scripture passages I'd picked out during the birthing.

Here is the one that I've chosen to adapt for #3's shower:

Birth Prayer
by Susana Fierro-Baig

Chid within me, the Lord has created you.
He has formed your body, and you are his.

When you pass through the waters, He will be with you and you will not be harmed. He is the Lord, thy God, thy Saviour. You are precious in His sight. He loves you.

Let us not fear, for our Redeemer is with us. He will bring you forth safely. He will protect us from harm if we take upon us His name, for he created us to glorify Him.

We will be blessed with health, strength, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. With his gentle, loving hands he will deliver you without interference from anyone.

I will not be afraid of your birth, for I know that the Lord created me to be a mother. My body knows what to do to assist the Lord as He delivers you out of my womb.

Together we will work to bring you into this world without pain. The water that now protects you will carry you out and I will open myself up to you.

The feelings of love, joy, and peace will escort you on your journey. When you are ready to join us in the world, we will welcome you.

Your father and I have been honored with stewardship over you. He has placed you in our care that we may love you and teach you His word.

Your father is eager to hold you in his arms. I am eager to bring you to my bosom and nurse you.
We look forward to your arrival, yet we will not grow impatient in waiting for your birth-day. We do not want you to be born before you are fully ready.

Your father and I will not be fearful. God has promised us that if we do not fear and are obedient to His commands, He will pour His spirit upon you and His blessings.

Our family will praise and honor Him for the blessing of your birth, and the miracle of your life, giving thanks with song.

Adapted from Isaiah 43&44

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tired and Longing

If I were to give titles to the chapters of my life, this one would be called "Tired and Longing." Tired, because I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year and am a first-trimester mommy. Longing, because I'm so anxious to get out of this stage of my life where I'm working a meaningless job all of the time and aren't home where I want to be.

Two nights ago, Lovebug woke up at 1:45am and didn't go back to sleep until after 5am. I still went to work the next day...exhausted! Last night, something entirely different happened, and for the first time every. Lovebug slept through the night. She's 13 months old and went to sleep at 8:30pm--and slept until we woke her up the next morning at 7:00am! What a relief! I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but would be thrilled if this became the norm. I am so tired all of the time. Sleeping through the night would surely help!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Eating

I want to be one of those vegan-exercising-skinny-after-the-baby-comes-out type of pregnant women. Instead, I am one of those a-few-pounds-to-lose-eat-whatever-you-can-sedentary types of pregnant woman. I feel like I'm starving all of the time, and unfortunately, I fill that hungry belly with carbs instead of useful things.

One of the problems is finding the time to go grocery shopping. It's a difficult thing to arrange, so I often end up hunting through the cupboards (or in our case, boxes since we don't have cupboards to actually put food into) for anything available that's quick, easy, and mess-free to throw together between getting home after work and going to bed. Frozen pizza, pasta, and turkey burgers seem to be main staples for us.

I love vegetables, but John doesn't eat salad and it's hard for me to eat a whole head of lettuce before it goes bad...and I'm still hungry after eating salad, any way. When I'm home, it's easy to warm up some frozen veggies and throw in some butter and seasonings. When I'm at work, it's not so easy. Sure, I could prep this ahead of time, but that's time spent that I'd rather be sleeping.

I'm lazy. I guess that's really what it comes down to. And I lack self control. I just want to eat, darnit. I'm a hungry lady, and who cares if I sit on my butt all day and don't work those calories off? *sigh* What is the magic combination that I must hit so that I will only put past my lips healthy, wholesome, and needed nutrients?

Magic combination = 1) money to buy awesome foods, 2) time to go grocery shopping, and 3) a personal cook who will prepare and clean up the meals after we're done eating. Any takers?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

We're having a baby!

This is you. You're six weeks old today, making me eight weeks pregnant. Daddy and I were so excited when we got to see you yesterday. You're still itsy-bitsy and they only did an abdominal ultrasound, so it's not like we got to see a whole lot...but you are there and you have a heart beat! 133 bpm, to be exact. :-)
Every thing's looking good, and I'm looking forward to the rest of our time together with you in my belly. Our midwife, Deb, paid us a very high compliment yesterday. She told me that she thinks Daddy and I would do just fine with an unassisted birth! We won't do that, but I felt that was a really nice thing to tell me since it means she thought we handled Lovebug's birth very well. She also told me that she'd work with us to do a home birth. Home birth. I have a very romanticised view of home births and I desperately want one. I've even looked into birthing tubs and medical equipment for such an event. Your Dad, on the other hand, is adamantly against the idea even if Deb was there. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens, but I'm half praying that it's something we get to do.
Oh just to think of your sweet baby smell, soft baby skin, and big eyes...I must be in love.
Expected Due Date: June 30, 2010!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Will I get to see you?

I'm both excited and nervous as I wait for our first ultrasound and midwife appointment today. After having the ectopic scare, not knowing exactly when you're due, and feeling completely different this pregnancy as compared to my last one, I'm nervous that things aren't okay. Now, I know that every mama in the first trimester worries unnecessarily, and I tell myself that's what I'm doing...but there's still the what if?

What if I don't see you today? What if your precious baby heart isn't beating, or they can't find you anywhere in my womb? What if.

What if I do see you today, moving all around and discovering your new found being? What if I get to see life giving blood course through your forming organs, and I get to hear the sweet "whoosh-whoosh" of your heart? What if.

Either way, I can have peace knowing that Jesus holds you in His arms. On October 24th--the same day that we had our scare, I remember sitting on the living room floor and crying because I did not want to give you to God. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Amara, I immediately reacted by handing her over to the Lord. With you, it's much harder. I now know what it's like to let a baby go even if it's just to her Grandma for the day. That in itself is difficult enough for me, and I just want to be selfish with you and tell God that he can have someone else. Not my baby. No one can have my babies again.

After we were told that things might not be working out with you, I remembered my earlier chat with God. I cried again as I told God that I must be pretty dumb if I think I can do a better job taking care of you than he can. So I gave you back to him. Not because I really want to, but because I know he can do better than I can.

So either way today, if we find out things are progressing wonderfully or if we find out that things are already over, it's going to be okay with me. I know that God holds you in his strong and loving arms already--whether you're meant to be an earth child or an angel baby.

You are our baby and we love you.


PS- after all of the ups and downs we've already been through, I am going to be so stinking excited when I see you today!!!!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Girl Name

Daddy and I decided on your name last night--if you're a girl.
Ashlyn
It's Irish-Gaelic and means "dream" or "vision"
We love it.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Symptoms

I'm not throwing up. I don't have head aches. I don't have heart burn.

However, I do have the worst case of pregnancy brain that I've ever heard of and my back has been misaligned already. How can this be, with me only being 7 weeks along (or so I assume)? I'm not even showing yet--although it seems like every other June-due mama on Diaper Swappers has a belly. I don't understand the belly thing. How could anyone show yet? My bean is like half an inch long, if that. Speaking of bellies, I still have one from my dd...so I'm not feeling like posting photos of my new "baby belly" since it's really just the remnants of my last child.

Maybe my pregnancy brain is actually due to my tiredness. I am so darn tired today that I can barely keep my eyes awake. I mean open. Maybe I'm going to have to drink a caffienated beverage. One serving a day is supposed to be okay...*sigh*

Five more hours of work. Then a 45-minute car ride to get Lovebug. Then 30 minutes there. Then 45-minutes back home. The I unpack, figure out dinner, try to clean something up, eat, and go to bed.

Tonight, we're going to put Lovebug back in her crib. She's been sleeping with us again since her room was being redone and then since she was sick. It's time to move her back. I need to sleep again.

My incoherent rambling is due to the pregnancy brain, I'm sure...just like me burning part of last night's dinner (twice), "losing" the keys that were attached to the key chain I had already started my car with, leaving my dd's bottle of milk from yesterday in my backpack all night long, and not realizing my shirt collar was all twisted around today. This is really bad.

Are there any exercises or vitamins one can take to alleviate the dumbness that comes over me when I'm pregnant?!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Fat Dreams

I dreamed last night that I was fat. I mean, really fat, like pudgy Pillsbury-Dough-Girl round as a ball fat. I think it's because I'm scared of the weight I'm going to gain this pregnancy. Last time, I was able to lose the weight pretty well after Lovebug was born, but then it plateued after like two months and I've been 10-15 lbs. over what I want to be ever since. Only 2 pairs of my pre-pregnancy pants fit, my shirts may never fit again (thanks to the extra large sized boobs I've managed to grow), and I still have a little pooch belly thing going on (whatever happened to my hard as steel abs?).

So, I'm a bit concerned since I'm starting out this pregnancy over weight. At my heaviest weight, my BMI is 24.7. I would rather start a pregnancy at 22 or less! *sigh* Oh well. I guess life will go on...and I will most likely find clothes that fit.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lovebug's First Birthday

Lovebug turned 1-year-old on October 31st. One day before that, she got sick for the first time ever. I suppose 364 days of being healthy is a pretty good run, but I still wish that she'd never ever be sick! :-) Fever of 102f (after Tylenol!), cough, fatigue...For three days straight, I just held on to that baby.

Needless to say, the birthday party we had planned for November 1st didn't happen. Too many sick people. Instead, Grandma M. came over with a few presents--a large over sized helium balloon in the shape of a flower (from Aunts A & M), a baby doll (from Aunt A2), and a Pooh book. Amara, sick as she was, couldn't help but smile and give kisses to her doll, hold on to her balloon, and request to be read the book.

Daddy and I also gave Lovebug a few things: a little white piano (which she LOVES), a set of small soft cloths (she likes to stack them and clean with them), and a wooden doll family. It was pretty fun to give presents to my little-big girl, even if she was sick.

Oh, the fun birthdays to come!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

no more milk

I think my milk is gone. Or quickly leaving. If Amara had been born on her due date, she'd be 9 days past her first birthday right now, so I guess we've done well since she has had mama-milk since birth. I just assumed I'd be able to keep going through this next pregnancy, I guess. I wanted Amara to have milk through her second birthday as the World Health Organization recommends, but I'm sad to say that she drank a bottle of whole cow's milk yesterday since she didn't have enough from me. *sniff*

I suppose we could supplement with formula, but I figure that she'll be a year old in a few days so we might as well just use cow's milk. I wish I could make enough, but we're lucky if I get one bottle's worth after pumping all day. It's been like this for about a week now and it's not looking like there will be a change any time soon.

I'm stressed out today; The milk. The exhaustion I have from Amara waking me up all night long and from being pregnant. The wondering how far along I am and if everything's okay with my growing baby. Work and the drama there. Trying to not let my house suffocate me with the outrageous mess that it is. Having needed a shower for days but not having time to take one. Dealing with John being sick because he doesn't take care of himself. And dealing with him tearing apart the house but not helping with anything else around the house that needs to be done. Trying to throw a birthday party for Amara when we have no money. Oh, yeah, can't forget the lack of money, period.

I just want to go back to bed, but not in my house. I want to fall asleep somewhere else that's quiet, dark, and clean. I'm overwhelmed and underslept. It's great. Just great...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Now we know

Dear Baby,

Not everyone knows that you exist yet. In fact, I don't even know if I should have known yet. But I do, and I'm glad. This blog is for us, mainly. I want to document this pregnancy so that I can later look back on the sweetness of each day and remember your earliest moments.

I found out about you kind of randomly. On October 20th, I was offered a job as a paramedic on an ambulance and was excited to take it. Before calling the employer back with my decision, I decided that I'd better take a pregnancy test just in case since it wouldn't be good to take a new job, throw up all of the time, and then have to quit in 15 weeks when I can't lift anymore. I wasn't expecting that little blue line to appear at all after I took the home pregnancy test. I was so shocked that I actually screamed for your daddy (who was playing with your sister) to get into the bathroom and verify what I was seeing.

Well, he saw the line, too, and that line kept appearing on the next 3 tests I took. Okay, here's where I have to tell you the part that I don't really want to, and maybe I shouldn't: I cried when I found out. No, not tears of happiness. Tears of sadness and overwhelmness. You see, your older sister isn't even a year old yet, and this has been the hardest year of my life. I know you won't understand until you have children of your own (hey, my mom said it to me and I didn't think it was true either until I had a baby. It's true, so just believe me!), but once I had your sister, my life changed. I want to be with her every single second of the day. I want to see all of her "firsts". I want to teach her how to do everything. I want to spend each day delighting in everything about her...but I haven't been there. I've needed to work full time (and sometimes more than full time) since she was 6-weeks-old. I cried because I don't want to do that with you.

I want to give your sister all of the mommy time that she deserves, and I don't want anyone to take that away from her. I want to be with you, and I start feeling anxious when I think about the possibility that I might not get to stay home after you're born. I want my babies, darn it.

I cried because I felt overwhelmed. Your sister still wakes me up multiple times a night to nurse (which I love, but it does leave me very tired), I'm afraid of being too sick to work or take care of her, and our income is not very good right now. All of these things make me feel...well, overwhelmed. So I cried. Not because I didn't want you, but because I want so much more for you and your sister. *sigh*

Once we found out, we weren't sure what to do. I ate a bowl of ice cream and drank a soda since I figured they would have to be my last for the next indefinite period of time. We called your Aunt in Kentucky and she was thrilled. This will make three of us sisters (out of eight) pregnant at the same time. Oh yes. Three pregnant sisters. Slowly, we randomly told a few people here and there.

On Thursday, we told your grandparents. On Saturday, we went to the local pregnancy resource center to get an ultrasound. Since I don't really know how far along I am, we thought a free ultrasound was a great idea. What we didn't know at that time! To make a long story short, the man doing the ultrasound thought he saw an ectopic pregnancy or "something else that shouldn't be there" in the bowel region. His recommendation was, of course, to go to the ER immediately.

The ironic thing is that after we left the u/s room, the receptionist bumbled over to us and energetically gave us a photo frame and birth announcements, then explained how we could easily put the u/s printout of our baby into the frame. The printout that I had was of my "ectopic pregnancy" and not something you really want to put in a frame. I didn't know what to say to the lady, so I stuffed her gifts into my bag and left with your dad, his mom, and your sister in tow. I didn't cry until we had made it into the hallway and we had to tell your grandma why we didn't bring her in to see the ultrasound. There was some panic and more suggestions to go to the ER, but being a paramedic, I know what goes on in the ER and did not want to visit unless necessary. I called my midwife, Deb, instead.

Deb suggested that we get blood work to try to figure out how far along I even am (since I don't really know and the u/s guy said the "ectopic pregnancy" was 6-7 weeks along in size). Instead of dropping your sister off at my parent's house, they met us at Schuyler ER while I went in to get blood work. We ended up telling my sisters and a few close friends about you because of all of this. It wasn't fun explaining that yes, we were pregnant, but that you may not be in the right place so things might not work out. Not fun at all.

Daddy and I went to see "Where The Wild Things Are" movie while we waited to hear back about the blood work. Deb called me and interrupted the movie, but I was never so glad. She said that whatever the u/s guy saw, it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy and that my HCG levels look like we're 2-3 weeks from conception. So basically, we've just found out about you very early and that's why you didn't show up on the u/s screen!

I had a repeat HCG done on the 29th and things look good, placing your due date somewhere around July 1st, 2010. We have another u/s scheduled for 11/17 as well as our first "baby" appointment with Deb. We are so excited to see you and find out exactly when you're due!

So that's the story, and now we know. You exist, and even though I still worry (like all mothers during the first trimester), I am trusting that things are going okay. These next eight months are going to fly by! I can't wait to feel your kicks in my belly, complain because I can't sleep, am throwing up all of the time, and my back hurts...I can't wait to give birth to you, touching you before anyone else does, singing to you before anyone else does, and kissing your beautiful, beautiful sweet skin. This is crazy, but I even wish you were a set of twins! I never thought I'd want that, but Daddy says this will be our last one (we'll see), and I love, love, love you so much that I wish you were two. :-p I am absolutely not feeling pregnant with twins, though, so I think that's out of the question.

That's it. Now we just wait. So stay in there where you belong, grow fast and strong, and enjoy my love.

Love,
Mama

ShareThis

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...