Taking Back What The Enemy's Stolen From Me

I still feel anger. Not towards him, but towards those who still embrace him. I realize that God forgives us despite our sin, and He continues to accept us as His children upon repentance, but... The grief that I felt for the things stolen from me through him led me to be angry. That is over though, now, and I don't have anger towards him. Those that still call him their own, however, I can't seem to get over.

The problem is not that they "love" him. The problem is that it feels as though they have chosen to love him over me. I think to myself, "if only they knew the heinous things that happened, then surely they would take the vengeance upon him that I so want someone to take...or at least they wouldn't call him one of their own." I divorced him, and even though I cannot change the fact that he is the father of my children and thus I will always be tied to him, I did change the fact to that he is not mine. However...telling the stories of the almost five years of hidden wounds that turned into scars just isn't something I am interested in. I am horrified by the things that I had to endure, and ashamed of the things I had to partake in. I don't want to remember them, let alone have anyone else remember them for me.

It is confusing and hurtful to me that no one has punched him in the face yet. There, I admitted it. Why hasn't anyone done that for me? If I ever, ever was told that one of my sisters had to go through some of the things I did, I would surely deal with her offender. Who the heck cares if that person was once considered family to you? Am I not of more value than a relationship? Is the purity, security, and life stolen from me not of value?

The comfort I can derive from this is that to God, I am worth it. Somehow, he is able to love the offender while defending the victim. He continues to stand for me. He is able to see the past, see what is still going on, and can love and teach one person while loving and bringing justice to the next. I must learn to have HIS grace be sufficient for me, and to not allow the people around me to affect my destiny...because...they don't affect my destiny.

I am taking back what the enemy has stolen from me. I am taking back my joy, my peace, my freedom, my body, my right to live without sin in my life. I am taking back my dreams, my rest, my attitude. I am taking back my right to have a healthy, beautiful, loving family. I am taking back my right to have a husband who loves me and who treats me as Christ would treat the church.

Every little tiny thing that the enemy stole, I am taking back.

Through Your victory, I can finally sing
I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me


Freedom has been won
Death is overcome
Victory is ours and we'll keep singin'


I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me
I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me

(Taking Back by Worth Dying For)

365 Days Later

One year ago tonight, my children and I slept on the futon of my sister's house. We lived the next few days with our belongings in laundry baskets, me attempting to keep things "normal" for the kids and to keep myself from having a heart attack from the terror of leaving John. It's been 365 days. Tonight, I will sleep in my own bed. Like when I was married to him, I will get up at 0430 hours tomorrow and get myself and the kids around to leave so I can go to work. I will do it on my own, clean off my own car, shovel my own driveway, and pack everyone's stuff. I will still stay up late tonight so I can clean after the kids are in bed.

But this time, this year, things are different. I will be able to turn on the light when I get dressed, I won't have to worry about a child's cry waking him up, I won't get into trouble for using the blender to make my breakfast. Tomorrow, as I work, I won't have to try to balance a bazillion text messages and phone calls asking what I'm doing, where I am, who I am with, and why my tonal inflictions are they way they are. Thank God that stress is gone! Today, I celebrated by taking every single piece of lingerie and other "things" I learned to loathe to the dump. I loaded my van with the few remaining objects in the house that had been damaged in fits of anger and threw them into a deep pit of garbage They are all gone now, never to be looked at by me again.

Today, I've deemed to be Freedom Day. It's difficult to uproot your life and leave a situation even when that is the only option left. Being free, though, is worth it.

Rachel's Creed

I believe in healing and the full restoration of wounded people.

I claim that for myself and my family.

I believe in the provision of a propitiation --perfect substitute-- for desperate situations.

I trust that God will bring one about for myself and my children in His timing.

I believe the promise that God will heal the broken hearted, binding up their wounds.

I am comforted in knowing that I won't hurt forever.

I believe the promise that God will turn our mourning into dancing.

I am excited to know my life will be abundant.

I believe that past suffering can be used to bring about the survival of many people.

I will use my journey as a way to lift others up.

I believe that I do not have to be hurt in the same way again.

I will choose to be healthy and protect myself while loving extravagantly.

I believe that God is all I need, and He will lead me beside still waters.

I will not follow temptation to have anything replace what He can give me.

I believe that I am valuable.

I will live in a way that models for my children that one's value is not dependent upon what happens to her.

I believe that my future is beautiful.

I have peace and joy when I think about what is to come.

Signs of Healing

My healing heart has moved in monumental ways recently. I know this because I am able to talk to and be around John without experiencing as much anxiety as before; in fact, it's almost "normal". We were able to watch a movie after the kids went to bed and before he went home last week, as well as go out and eat dinner while discussing the kids (a future 3-year-old birthday party is coming near!)...and it was fine! I had a bit of chest heaviness-anxiety-stuff for the first half of the evening when we went out, but it resolved and we had a nice evening.

Secondly, I was able to just (briefly) look through a Facebook wedding album that some friends were in. Might not seem like a big deal, right? Wrong. I dread anything wedding or new baby related anymore. It's not because I experience jealousy or anything at the sight of these things, it's just that it reminds the ideals I grew up desiring for my future family have been taken away from me. It's a grief thing. I wanted better for my kids, for myself...The fact that I could look through wedding photos and only feel half of my heart aching is a big improvement.

Their is hope for the future. Always.