I have a lot I want to say right now, but I am unsure of what to include. I wish I could make you all understand without you having to go through what he and I went through. If you could understand what it's truly like for either of us, I think you would be a lot more gracious...and you may even reach out once in a while. Do you know how lonely it is? Do you know how tiring it is? Do you know how many people stop talking to you?
Do you realize how many people stalk your life but never say a word to you about it? Do you realize how complicated it is to do something as simple as run to the store at midnight if your child needs medicine? Do you realize that even your neighbors avoid you once they notice something is different? Do you realize that quite possibly, the only "Christians" who DO take the time to contact you after a divorce (or during the process) are the ones who are telling you that you are sinning and who throw stones at you (out of "love," and "good intentions," of course)? Believe me, I have cherished and remembered every comment that wasn't like that, and I thank God for the moments when I read them, because they were very needed and appreciated.
Have you tried experiencing joy and agony at the same time? Have you tried respecting someone while still being honest about your feelings? Have you tried loving people who spread rumors about you? Have you ever woken up at 0430 hours so you could gather up your toddler and baby and bring them to another person's house because you needed to be at work at 0700 hours? Have you ever come back home after a 40-hour shift with three days' worth of dirty laundry, hungry toddlers, and a messy house?
Here is what would make the difference. How about instead of casting stones, you offer to help. How about instead of assuming something, you ask a question. How about instead of judging, you sympathize. Be practical. Offer to do yard work, go grocery shopping, bring a movie over at 9pm when the kids are asleep and the "lonely hour" hits. Bring dinner once a week. Call and leave a message. Post a hilarious photo on their FB to make them smile.
I'm not having a pity party here, but this is difficult, people. If you really care, then reach out. If not, then just distance yourself completely. Don't play the half-friend or "caring" stalker. People going through problems in their marriages or who are recovering from a divorce or who are reaching out to others through their own story don't have the time for your drama or shenanigans. Stay out of it, or get involved. It doesn't work both ways. Love requires action, and if you aren't acting out of love, then you are just throwing stones.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I still feel anger. Not towards him, but towards those who still embrace him. I realize that God forgives us despite our sin, and He continues to accept us as His children upon repentance, but... The grief that I felt for the things stolen from me through him led me to be angry. That is over though, now, and I don't have anger towards him. Those that still call him their own, however, I can't seem to get over.
The problem is not that they "love" him. The problem is that it feels as though they have chosen to love him over me. I think to myself, "if only they knew the heinous things that happened, then surely they would take the vengeance upon him that I so want someone to take...or at least they wouldn't call him one of their own." I divorced him, and even though I cannot change the fact that he is the father of my children and thus I will always be tied to him, I did change the fact to that he is not mine. However...telling the stories of the almost five years of hidden wounds that turned into scars just isn't something I am interested in. I am horrified by the things that I had to endure, and ashamed of the things I had to partake in. I don't want to remember them, let alone have anyone else remember them for me.
It is confusing and hurtful to me that no one has punched him in the face yet. There, I admitted it. Why hasn't anyone done that for me? If I ever, ever was told that one of my sisters had to go through some of the things I did, I would surely deal with her offender. Who the heck cares if that person was once considered family to you? Am I not of more value than a relationship? Is the purity, security, and life stolen from me not of value?
The comfort I can derive from this is that to God, I am worth it. Somehow, he is able to love the offender while defending the victim. He continues to stand for me. He is able to see the past, see what is still going on, and can love and teach one person while loving and bringing justice to the next. I must learn to have HIS grace be sufficient for me, and to not allow the people around me to affect my destiny...because...they don't affect my destiny.
I am taking back what the enemy has stolen from me. I am taking back my joy, my peace, my freedom, my body, my right to live without sin in my life. I am taking back my dreams, my rest, my attitude. I am taking back my right to have a healthy, beautiful, loving family. I am taking back my right to have a husband who loves me and who treats me as Christ would treat the church.
Every little tiny thing that the enemy stole, I am taking back.
Through Your victory, I can finally sing I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me Freedom has been won Death is overcome Victory is ours and we'll keep singin' I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me
(Taking Back by Worth Dying For)