Wednesday, February 10, 2010

life sucks and I'm sick of it.

I'm in a pretty bad mood today and I just want to complain and choke people until my heart feels better. If I tell anyone how I feel, though, I'll be complaining about my husband and that's just not something I like to do. In fact, I sometimes even lie to people about things like his lack of helping around the house just so he doesn't look like a male chovenist to them. I guess it's more for me--I don't like it when people tell me negative things about my marriage.

So in an attempt to get some of this off my chest, I'll share some of my heart without too much detail and within the semi-anonymity of cyberspace.

I'm five months pregnant. I work all day at a boring job that I don't like and that doesn't pay me enough. I come home to a disasterous house that only gets worse while I'm gone during the day. I then spend the 2-4 hours I have at home before getting LoveBug and then myself down for bed cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. I also sneak some nursing and snuggling time in there. :-)

Needless to say, I'm exhausted. I'm achy. I'm in pain. Then, on top of everything else, I have to get up and nurse LoveBug during the night and put her back to sleep if she wakes up. John used to be more helpful with getting her back to sleep during the night as I've explained to him that I can't be the one to get her back to sleep or else she will have to nurse and I can't keep nursing her during the middle of the night...but the last few weeks, he spends about 5 minutes with her before bringing her into our bed. Then I'm up for the next hour nursing her until I can carry her back to her own crib and wait for her to sleep through me opening the door to leave her bedroom.

Last night, when he brought her in at 1:30am, I took her back to her bedroom, kissed her and talked to her, and then left her to "cry it out." It lasted for 15 minutes before John went in to get her, and then about another 10 minutes before he came in asking me where the Tylonal was. She didn't need Tylonal. I ended up with her again, totally fine and happy, and just endured being yelled at about not giving him any warning about choosing tonight to let her cry. Um, yeah...

So I spent the night in her room, getting her back to sleep. I was able to sneak out at 3:30am. I fell asleep on the couch after 4am, and then had to get up again at 6:30am. My life sucks.

I am sick to death of putting up with selfishness, and that's all I can blame this on. I feel like a single mother with a nagging husband who has no compassion or desire to do anything unless it's causing an inconvenience for him. I can not keep up. I have not been able to keep up since going back to work after LoveBug was born. He knows this. He knows I have struggled with depression so badly the first year after coming back to work that I've injured myself and wanted to kill myself. He knows that I get very stressed out by the house being such a mess. He knows that I'm tired, pregnant, and feeling crappy when I have to do all of this. I comunicate my needs very clearly, but none of this matters.

Somehow, I'm supposed to do everything. What's going to happen when I have two babies, a house, and have to still make an income while taking care of these three things? It's obviously not working for us now, so I don't know why it'd start working for us then.

I need to figure out some sort of coping mechanism before going home today, because we'll end up fighting, John will break things, yell and swear at me (yes, in front of LoveBug), won't let me leave until he feels things are resolved somehow, and then everything will be my fault because I caused him to do these things via my attitude. *sigh*. I am so over all of this. It's ridiculous and I'm so sick of it, yet don't know how to make it stop...

So I'll just try to focus on coping. I have 6.5 hours to figure things out before I go home. Lots of time, but not an easy task when your eyes are swollen, you're crying, and your whole body aches from laying awake on a wooden floor for hours during the night.

Ideas:
1) After John comes to bed and wakes me up with his snoring because he's overly tired (but no, that doesn't stop him from staying up until all hours of the night), I will just move to the couch. He'll never know, and I'll get more sleep. And then he can't swear at me when I wake him up during the night to ask if he can move his head so he'll stop snoring.

2) Pray, pray, pray, pray. Although I did that all night while I was awake and it didn't fix anything yet.

3) Don't answer my phone if he calls me today.

...and all of my other ideas are pretty negative, so I probably shouldn't post them. Maybe the best way to deal with this is just to shove it down in my soul with the rest of the crap like this. Who knows.

Oh, and just in case someone does read this and desires to comment, I'll probably just delete all of the comments and definitely if any of them tell me how horrid of a husband I have. I don't want to hear it.

5 comments:

  1. Oh Rachel,
    I was nearly in tears after reading that. I won't say anything negative... That certainly isn't what you need... but if you delete anyway, I won't mind. I just want you to know that someone is reading (listening) and not judging, not at all. *hugs*
    ~Carrie

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  2. PS Enjoy your ultrasound tomorrow!!! :-)

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  3. *hugs*
    You don't have a horrible husband. You have a HUSBAND. A man who loves you, but has an awful time figuring out what you need, no matter how many times you spit it out plain-as-day to him. I have one, too. So do my sisters. So does every woman I know. It's just a matter of whether or not the husband has realized this yet, and to what extent he HAS realized, to make him respond the way he does.
    My take on the situation: You're both depressed! He likely feels like a massive failure because you need to be the bread-winner right now, whether he admits it or not. You're severely depressed because you aren't home with your baby, taking care of your home as you'd like to, and being the woman you've always longed to be. You likely harbor resentment toward Ron for the position you're forced to hold, and that only stresses him out more. I know, because I am in the EXACT same position, and have been for quite some time.

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  4. Oh, thank you girls for saying these things. *HUGS* It is making me cry in my cubicle, lol. I wish I was always happy, tolerant, and loving...but sometimes things build up so much that I just want to move him into a tent on the lawn. Meg, you are right though, he's a husband. I love him to death and could write triple the size of this post just on how fantastic he is at certain things. It's just this small topic of things that has been out of control lately and I have no tolerance for it right now...I think being so tired and not feeling well brings my tolerance and coping skills WAY down. :-(

    Ron and I did talk about all of this, and though I can't expect anything to improve over night, I did realize that I need to be willing to be a good WIFE regardless of my husband. I should make how I treat him dependent upon how he treats me. Soooo...I'm going to pray that he changes, but I'm really going to try to make an effort to make sure he knows that I do love him and aren't down on him all of the time.

    And I'm going to pull out my "How to have a new husband by Friday" book out and actually read it. :-)

    Tell me that my kids aren't going to be scarred forever by this crap!!!

    xoxo

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  5. Oh Rachel, I wish I had read this before talking to you the other day...but no, instead of listening to you begin to talk about stress, I jumped in and told you how wonderful my husband has been lately (believe me, we have had plenty of things to complain about!!)
    I'm sorry...
    You are such a rock in so many lives (think of your sister) and have so many things to do....you may have a heart for each person in your life, but unfortunately you have to share the one body with all!

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