365 Days Later

One year ago tonight, my children and I slept on the futon of my sister's house. We lived the next few days with our belongings in laundry baskets, me attempting to keep things "normal" for the kids and to keep myself from having a heart attack from the terror of leaving John. It's been 365 days. Tonight, I will sleep in my own bed. Like when I was married to him, I will get up at 0430 hours tomorrow and get myself and the kids around to leave so I can go to work. I will do it on my own, clean off my own car, shovel my own driveway, and pack everyone's stuff. I will still stay up late tonight so I can clean after the kids are in bed.

But this time, this year, things are different. I will be able to turn on the light when I get dressed, I won't have to worry about a child's cry waking him up, I won't get into trouble for using the blender to make my breakfast. Tomorrow, as I work, I won't have to try to balance a bazillion text messages and phone calls asking what I'm doing, where I am, who I am with, and why my tonal inflictions are they way they are. Thank God that stress is gone! Today, I celebrated by taking every single piece of lingerie and other "things" I learned to loathe to the dump. I loaded my van with the few remaining objects in the house that had been damaged in fits of anger and threw them into a deep pit of garbage They are all gone now, never to be looked at by me again.

Today, I've deemed to be Freedom Day. It's difficult to uproot your life and leave a situation even when that is the only option left. Being free, though, is worth it.

Questions Answered

Every so often, I hear a person refer to that couple, those parents, or that woman as being in a negative light because they or she are "split up" or "divorced." Just this weekend, after helping a young girl who had just suffered a drug induced medical problem, I heard this from her parents about the other "bad" parents they know. Immediately, I became conscious of my bare left ring finger since I had already spoken lovingly about my children. You see, I am a single mother.

Divorce was never supposed to happen to me. I was supposed to grow up, marry, and die old and happy with that man. I was not supposed to have a different last name than my children. The term "ex husband" was not supposed to be in my personal life. But here I am, legally allowed to use my maiden name, locking my own doors at night, working a full time job while being a full time at home mom.

Many people have wondered why things are this way, and here it is: I am divorced because there was severe abuse in my marriage. Sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically. I have had to do things that I never wanted to do. Things happened to me that I never wanted to happen. Many people who saw us had no idea what was happening behind closed doors...but it's awful hard to tell someone when you are barricaded from escape, your phone is taken away, and your hand is squeezed so hard that you have no choice but to drop your car keys.  You can't always run fast enough, or say the "right" thing soon enough. Sometimes, you get to the point where you eventually convince yourself that you "want" to do certain things just because then at least it's easier to get through the required actions, and you know you will continue to be pressured until you give in, anyway.

I am not divorced because my husband left me (I "left" him), because we argued about money (we didn't), or because we got tired of each other (well, I think he got tired of the kids and me, because we weren't even allowed to be in the living room when he was home at night towards the end of things). I am divorced because I couldn't do it anymore, and my children deserve a home where they are safe physically, emotionally, and mentally (hey, maybe I do, too). God comes first in my life, and my marriage was not allowing that to happen because I wasn't safe and our home was inundated with sin. It wasn't a choice. I just couldn't do it anymore, and I never will again.

Fast forward to now, days less than a year since I left. The kids and I are in the best place we've ever been. We saw a change in the children very shortly after leaving--they were more peaceful, joyful, etc.. People are still telling me that I look alive and happy again. And me? Well, I am finally at peace because I am healed emotionally, safe, and I can now worship God without someone restraining me. We play at home now. We sing. We dance.We pray as a family. We smile and laugh. We tell Bible stories and go to church. And my life is God's now. Again. That's where I belong. My hope is only in Him. My heart, He holds. He rescued us and lifted us out of that place.

My ex-husband, I have seen a lot of changes in him since we left. However, there are some things that I don't think will ever change. I hope the best for him, but if it wasn't for him being my children's biological father, I would have had nothing to do with him since February 1, 2011. I praise God for giving me life again, and for giving my children a future without fear.

Oh, and I have a boyfriend. Yes, a single mother of two children, working in a male-dominated field (I am a Paramedic), who is dating. And you know what? It's a gift so precious from God to me and my children that my face still hurts from smiling so much, even three months after he became a part of our lives. Talk about a perfect substitute in our lives--WOW! My life is not what I had planned, and previously, I think I judged people who had broken marriages negatively without even realizing it, either. Sometimes, though, brokenness is a blessing because sometimes getting to where you need to be requires breaking through to the light. And that is what we did.

Your glory is so beautiful, I fall on my knees in awe. 

The heartbeat of my life is to worship in your light, because your glory is so beautiful.

My life is Yours. My hope is in You only. 

My heart, You hold.

'cuz you make this sinner holy.

This Mama Will Raise Her Children RIGHT

I called the Judge's chambers today and got word that my divorce was signed yesterday, just-the-way-I-wrote-it. Which means, I have full custody and I control the visitation of my children. According to New York State, having full custody means that I am responsible for the decisions in my children's lives. This includes spiritual/moral ones, which have been my biggest battle with John lately.

The inconsistency in seeing the kids, asking about them, and talking to them is something I can deal with. I sobbed all day after he told me he was going to be spending Thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her children, not including his own (and then didn't call or ask about his kids for two days after Thanksgiving). Somehow, walking out of their life for two weeks hurt me more than them. In fact, I think they're young enough that not seeing daddy more than once or twice to sleep at his house wasn't even noticed. He has since apologized and apparently (I hope?) realized how wrong it was to neglect them like that. Now, all of the sudden, he demands a visitation schedule. But herein is where the problem lies.

I found out about another woman spending the night while the children were there not through John, but through Amara. Not cool. This has become a problem that he and his girlfriend are very rigid about. However, I am morally opposed to cohabitation before marriage, especially when you have only known the other person 1 week, this is the first time your children meet her, and your children cannot access your bed if they should need to during the night (I believe they are physically safe, since apparently the gate is placed near John's door and he says he gets up if he hears Amara at it). However. What does this say to a 3-year-old about importance and who is more important to Daddy? What kind of message does this give about our bodies and sexuality? What does this say about using good judgement and being patient and relationships?

Prior to this, John was opposed to anyone spending the night while the kids were present. Now, not only is this happening, but I am in trouble for being opposed to it still. And not only this, but I am also told that there is talk of John moving in with his girlfriend and her kids and cohabiting for at least 6 years before she is done with school. BUT, "don't worry," I am told--my children will have their own bedroom at her house! Oh, great, I feel all fuzzy and warm inside now...

The visitation problems, the demanding a schedule so he "can be free every other weekend," etc. (but I am told at the same time that he does in fact want to see his children, and this is not about wanting to see them--ok...)...I can deal with these things. I cannot, and will not, tolerate modeling sin to my children though. None of us are perfect, but it is totally unacceptable to continually and habitually model inappropriate and unhealthy things--and to know you are doing it, on top of everything else!

It has broken this mama's heart the last two weeks to see these things transpire. I have cried many, many tears over my children and their souls that I so deeply want to protect and help to grow in the image of Christ.  But...I have full custody now. My hands are tied no longer. In the eyes of the state of New York, I am responsible for my children. I believe this also means I will be held to a higher standard than John before God for the upbringing of my children. So with all of that said, I am making a few changes.

Let it be known that this mama will raise her children right. Their father can and should be involved--if it is healthy. I will go to supervised visits only if need be. This means, that there will be no drugs even not around the children (which I do NOT believe he is partaking in at this time), there will be no women spending the night while the kids are there (what you do in your own time is your own business), my children will not be spending the night at someone else's house without my express permission. Also, I will have the contact information of anyone who may care for my children, and I will also get to know that person before they care for my children. You will not be swearing or yelling at or in front of my children. You will not break things, throw things, or hurt them or anyone else when they are around. You will model no sexual behavior in front of them if you cannot do so healthily and appropriately. If you profess Christianity, I will hold you to that standard when it comes to my children. I also expect that you will put my children's interest before your own or anyone else's when they are with you.

That's all. It's simple, really. My children are going to be raised right, and with Godly principles. If you aren't on board with this idea, then you had better find another ship.

You have rights, too.

Dear Single Mom,

You have rights, too. Don't forget it. God entrusted you with those beautiful children. You are going to answer for yourself and how YOU parented, not how your ex-husband did or does. Be gracious, but do not allow yourself to lose things that your child would have had you be part of if you were still married to their father.

You. Are. Still. The. Mama. Hold on to those babies, raise them right, be a good role model, don't sin in your loneliness or anger, and remember that you aren't helpless. Your kids want you as much as you want them. Don't let yourself get pushed out of their lives.

Bill of Rights for Divorced Mothers

• I have the right to be involved in any and every aspect of my children's lives. I can attend any event I want to and be part of any normal thing that may occur, including all Holidays and events of particular significance.
• I should not be made to feel like I can't or shouldn't ask questions about where my children are or who they are with.
• I have the right to meet and get to know people that will become significant in the life of my children. This is not me approving or disapproving--it is simply me wanting to understand and relate to the things that affect and are important to my children.
• If my children ever want me, I have the right to come.
• I have the right to know about significant things going on in my children's life from YOU, their father, not from THEM. This means if some woman is spending the night at your house while they are there, you should probably tell me beforehand so I don't find out by way of our 3-year-old at dinner the next day.
• I have the right to interact with you and whomever your significant other is WITH our children present. It is important that they see the entire family unit interacting positively. This doesn't need to happen all of the time, but I should not be told I cannot be around if your significant other is.
• I have the right to be respected by you, the father. You will not speak poorly about me to our children, nor will disregard my boundaries and standards for our children. If you disagree with something, we will come to a compromise together. Consistency between the parents is important, as is the children seeing that we value each other as parents.
• I have the right to protect my children. From anyone and anything. They are my first priority, and I am allowed to unleash the mama bear within me if she is needed. God made me a mama.

Bill of Rights for Children of Divorce

• I have the right to love and be loved by both of my parents, without guilt, pressure, disapproval or rejection.
• I have the right to be protected from my parents' anger.
• I have the right to be kept out of the middle of my parents' conflict, including the right not to pick sides, carry messages, or hear complaints about the other parent.
• I have the right to have a regular daily and weekly routine, one that is not filled with unpredictable disruptions, chaos, or unpleasant surprises.
• I have the right to not have to choose between my parents. It is my right to not be expected to choose with whom I will live. Having to make this kind of choice will always hurt someone, and therefore, me. I have this right even when I am a teenager. I CAN NEVER CHOOSE BETWEEN MY PARENTS.
• I have the right not to be responsible for the emotional needs of my parents.
• I have the right to know well in advance about any major changes that will affect my life.
• I have the right to reasonable financial support from my parents.
• I have the right to appropriately express my feelings to my parents and expect that they will listen to me.
• I have the right to not be expected to make adult decisions. I have the right to remain a child and not replace a parent in my duties, or to act as an adult companion, personal friend or comforter to my parents.
• I have the right to like and love as many people (such as stepparents and relatives) as I want to without guilt and without being made to feel disloyal.
• I have the right to a life as close as possible to what I would have had if my parents had stayed married to each other.

This composition is a widely circulated one. Sad that it had to be written in the first place, but good that it is available since I believe that divorce is always originally caused by selfish decisions--and selfish people tend to not change. A written set of guidelines for those people can be particularly valuable in advocating for the children, and for mediating between the adults about the children in a "broken family" sort of situation. 

I challenge you to create a bill of rights for the children in your home, married or not. Keeping yourself accountable as a parent is the second step in being a good parent. The first step is true love--make sure you know how to do it correctly. 

the papers are filed, and it's good to see

Things are finally through. All of my filing for the divorce is completed as of yesterday. It took a lot of hoop jumping, gas, time, and effort. Oh, and money. Yes, I will be paying my parents back for seven more weeks. LOL

The first time I went yesterday, I had to pick up papers at a judge's office, then had to go to the clerk's office and pay lots of money. Then the man tells me that I have to "re-serve" John, and that his signed, dated, and notarized copy of the Defendant's Affidavit doesn't count because it was done before today when things became "official." I clarify this about three times, attempt to negotiate my way into still being able to file it, and then choke back my tears when I realize it's futile and I will have to make another trip back. The emotional roller coaster of thinking I will be done and then being told that no, I'm still attached, is horrible. The first time I was sent away from the office with nothing of importance filed, I bawled for an hour. This time, I swallowed a lot of saliva and managed while I drove 45 minutes one way to where John was so he could get it re-notarized.

And then I went back to the clerk's office. This was the third time. I paid more money, signed more papers, and then...I walked out. Done. I have often wondered how I would react to things being finalized. While it's still not "finalized" until the judge has signed the papers, my part is finalized (hopefully, I really don't want a letter stating I need to come in again because I messed something up!). All I do now is wait and pray. And I thought that when I got to this point, I would cry and grieve the loss of being married to one person forever again. But...I'm not. When I walked out of that secured building and into the Autumn air, I looked around and it was just like the first time I ever wore contacts. Everything was crisper, brighter. The colors more intense, the details more noticeable.

Everything else ended a long time ago now. I had years to digest that my marriage was doomed (although right up until the moment I left, I hoped for something different), years to grieve the loss of my spouse as I saw him fade further and further away from myself and our relationship. The trauma of leaving (fear, uncertainty) ended shortly after we made that transition. The things that bound me to a relationship like that--subjugation and unrelenting standards--was my main focus after I felt safe after leaving, and those things were resolved after a few weeks of intense dedication. I am in a fantastic place now psychologically, emotionally, and mentally (come on, body! Get in shape and join the party!). And now, the last step is almost complete. Within three weeks, 10 months after we left, I will be legally married no longer.

There is so much more to sight than seeing, and it is so good to know that my entire self will get to be alive for the rest of my life now.

Thank you, Jesus. I like to see.

Letter to My Children

To my beautiful, precious children, Amara and Timothy...

It is the night before Amara's third birthday. I remember my third birthday well; my parents, big sister, and my best friends, an older couple who were our neighbors came over to our house to celebrate. The fire truck I received as a gift that year is something I still have, though a little battered at this point, 24 years later. I remember this night one year ago well, too. Your daddy and I stayed up very, very late, putting together a wooden kitchen set for you. We wrapped it in paper and took photos of you as you came out to the living room in your footed jammies the next morning, saying "wow! wow!" in your big two-year-old way. It is a memory I cherish.

Tonight, Timmy is sleeping in his bed and Amara is snuggled into my bed, waiting for mommy as she sleeps. Tomorrow, you will both wake up, and Mommy will sing "happy birthday" in an over-exuberant, ridiculously happy way, and we will spend the day smiling and giggling and having a great time together, celebrating the life of Amara. But tonight, I am sitting at the computer, and there are tears running down my face. You both have improved so much--your behavior, your peacefulness, your joyfulness, since daddy stopped living here. The transition to a "split family" home has been beyond easy for us three, but I still worry about both of you. I know that a few birthdays from now, you will begin to ask questions, and I will need to have answers. These are discussions that I never thought I would have to have with my children, because divorce was never something I even thought remotely possible in my life. But here we are. And I want this to continue to be a positive thing for you and to never, ever become a negative thing. I believe that is possible. God is our Abba Father, our Daddy, and he is a wonderful, good, and trustworthy father. He will take care of us, and we will let him.

So, my darling children, tonight I write some answers for you.

First, know that you are extremely important to both mommy and daddy. If we thought it would be better for you that we are together, we would be together. Always know that we will never make a decision that does not affect you in a positive way. You are our first priority. You were a big factor in my decision to pack us three up and leave, in fact. There were a lot of bad things going on that scared you, and that I didn't want you to see or experience. It weighed very heavy on my heart, every day, that I was allowing my precious babies to be in a home that was, at that time, so unhealthy. There were a lot of anger problems, and a lot of problems stemming from your daddy not knowing how to love. It wasn't that he didn't love you or me, it's that he didn't really know how, I don't think. He does love you, and I don't want you to ever doubt that.

I prayed a lot about leaving, and God told me that morning that it was time and we were to go. Even after that day, daddy and I tried to "fix" things. So far, many things have changed, and some I'm not sure ever will. Even if it ever did change completely though, there were things that happened that hurt me very, very deeply, and because of that, mommy and daddy aren't able to be married. You deserve and need to see a positive marriage and relationship. We are working hard to model a positive relationship for you, and if God chooses (and I really think he will), you will also be able to see a healthy marriage in the future between me and the man God picks to be a second father to you, too. Don't worry, God only chooses the best, and I am listening to him 100%. You will never be second best.

Over time, you will probably begin to hear and understand what happened before Amara was 27 months old and Timothy 7 months old, for that is when we left. I don't want you to hate your father for this. I want you to understand that I do not hate him for these things. What matters is how much he loves you and how he treats us now. What matters is that he is thrilled to be your daddy right now, and nothing is ever going to take that away. When you hear these things, know that God allowed this to happen, and that while people are responsible for their choices, they hurt other people out of their own pain. It is ok to be sad when you hear these things, but you need to also have joy. Without having gone through these things, I wouldn't be the mother I am to you, and your daddy wouldn't be the father he is to you. There are many, many good things that came out of this whole thing, and the first is that you two were born. You make every moment entirely worth it. I cannot be sad or regret marrying your father, because I am so in love with both of you, and that marriage really shaped who I am. Your parents not being together was not only a good thing for you and me, but it was the best thing that may have ever happened to your daddy. Extremely difficult, but it entirely changed how he is as a father and as a person. I am proud of him.

You don't need to ever feel like you're in the middle, or that you have a horrible life because your parents aren't "together". Divorce is never God's first plan, but sometimes sin happens and it destroys God's first plan. The AWESOME news is that God can create a second plan that is just as good if not better than the first plan, and that is what He is going to do in our lives! He loves us so much, and when he doesn't choose to restore relationships, it's because he has something better for EVERYONE involved who is obeying him! God ONLY gives good gifts to his children who are obeying him. Trust that, my dear ones.

I love you. Period. And I will protect you and raise you up to be warriors for God and lovers of people. Amara and Timothy, you are so precious in the sight of God and your parents. God has blessed our family so very much in the last almost nine months, and he will continue to do so. Trust me when I say that this is the best thing that could have happened in our situation...you are both smiling again, and you are not going to hurt again.

I love you to the moon and back, and thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much,
Your Mommy

I am a survivor, not a victim

The day I left, I was terrified. The night before, he had kept me up very, very late. It was a cycle that was all to common in my household: I come home after 24 or so hours of working straight, I am tired, I get the kids in and to bed (without disturbing him, or at least trying not to), and then we sit on the couch...or he follows me around. No matter what I say or do, he tells me that I don't love him, that I didn't miss him enough while I was working. I reason with him, I am calm. My integrity is questioned, my character attacked. But I know that it's not what I say or do, it's a time thing. Two hours will need to pass before I am allowed to go to bed...

...but I am tired tonight. I haven't slept hardly at all in 48 hours. I have a six month old who I nurse and pump milk for while working, and another beautiful child who just had her second birthday not long ago. I don't even think about the fact that I would love a hug and to be held and to be told I am loved and that he is so glad to see me. I have been ignoring those needs and feelings of mine for a long time, because it's easier to think you don't actually need those things if you are scorned for asking. It's easy for me to still love him, though, and I don't think twice about gently reminding him that we could go to bed, that sleep would help, that I do love him and remind him of the reasons why he should believe this.

I am not allowed to go to the bathroom. I am not allowed to go to bed. I eventually get so exhausted that I am crying. I am scared to have him in my face, to restrain me from even walking through my own house. I am trying to keep it mentally together even though my mind is being twisted to the point it convulses and I want to kill myself. So I finally have a plan...surely, I think, if I go into Amara's room, I could sleep on the floor next to her bed and he will leave me alone so that I can sleep. Surely, he wouldn't wake his daughter up.

Once I have a chance, I make it into her room quiker than his hands or body can stop me. I am quiet, and I stifle the sickness and terror I feel inside, relieved that I will soon be able to ignore it once again and continue being happy and continue loving him. But he doesn't stop. He stands in the doorway and demands that I come out with him. Amara wakes up and is crying. He is livid with me and will not let me sleep, will not let her have peace. I have no choice but to leave the room for the sake of my daughter. So like every other time, I end up giving in and separating myself mentally from him and the situation until it's over and I'm allowed to use the bathroom and allowed to go to bed.

This time, though, we both know. We know our marriage is over, and I cry silently next to him as I pray and I hear God tell me that it is time. I let him hold me, and I grieve that this will be the last time he does, and that I cannot keep going. This was never supposed to happen to me, and surely not to my children. He doesn't ever hold me, and this is how I know that he also knows.

In the morning, I know that he still knows, because he won't leave for work until I promise that I won't leave him today. I feel so guilty for lying. And half of me hopes that I'm not lying, that he will take the van, leaving me only the car which isn't working very well and which doesn't give me the space I will need to pack us up. I beseech God one more time as I lay there, giving him another chance to give me another day, another chance that maybe everything will change. I ask God to make it clear if I am to leave; it would make more sense for him to take the van since it was working, so if he took that, I would stay. If he went in the car, though, a decision that wouldn't make sense, I was to go.

After I heard a vehicle leave, Amara and I went to the door and looked out. And I cried.

It took me a few hours to pack us up. I called my dad, crying and said something about that it was time for me to leave and that we were coming. My family didn't know what was going on. My friends didn't know what was going on. But I couldn't do it anymore. There was no choice. I just couldn't do it anymore. A friend talked to me on the phone for two hours while I grabbed clothing, diapers, food, and toys and threw it all into baskets and into the van. The longer it took, the more terrified I got. My whole body shook.

I wrote a note saying that we were sorry and that we loved him. Amara drew a picture on it. And then we left. This is the beginning of me being a survivor and not a victim.

In honor of domestic violence awareness month

The Scarlet Letter of Divorce

Just for the record, I don't believe in divorce, either. And ya know what? God didn't believe in us being separated from Him, either. But sin happens. And when sin happens, relationships change. However, both God and I believe in a thing called "propitiation" which means "perfect substitute." We don't get to go back to Eden, but we sure do get to dwell with him FOREVER anyway, thanks to him creating the perfect substitute of Jesus.

So even though I might have to wear a scarlet letter of "D" for the rest of my life, and I may never stop being the victim of life's stone throwers, GOD is bigger, and he can create a propitiation for me, too. He is my protector and provider, and He. Loves. Me. Marriage is not more sacred than our relationship with God. Having a husband does not make you holier. Love. God. That is the ultimatum.

Sometimes, it is a life or death situation. Maybe you don't understand, but here's the thing: you don't need to. You don't need to understand what it feels like to be barricaded, degraded, humiliated, and be forced to do things that are despicable. You don't need to understand what it feels like to have your dignity taken away, to be denied basic human needs, to be unsafe in your own home. You don't need to understand what it feels like to not be able to even cry out to God on your own behalf anymore, to not breathe on your own, to prefer and plan your own death rather than to continue living. And you certainly don't need to understand how it's possible to continue loving, serving, and cherishing the person who does these things to you through every day and night...and how even if you are capable of loving someone through that, you cannot be with that person anymore. (and I will even tell you a secret--God weeps with and rescues his beloved from their oppressors. Try reading the Old Testament. And guess what else--he never told the Hebrews to go back to Egypt even though the Bible also says for slaves to be content in serving their masters. Just sayin'. Relationships change, and everything is not so black-and-white.).

Jesus is my savior, not my religion.

Disclaimer: the intent of this blog is not to educate people on what the Bible really says about issues, nor to defend myself. It is simply to help me process things and to reach out to others. As a result, I will probably not choose to get into any virtual arguments or defenses with anyone who leaves conflicting opinions in the comment section of this blog.