Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010

It's the eve of the year 2010, but it seems that only yesterday we were hearing of "Y2K," watched as a plane crashed into the second World Trade Center tower, and I graduated high school. I think that somewhere along the lines, we were told that cars were supposed to fly and teleportation would exist by 2010. Or at least people my age were supposed to be well set in their life and have a list the size of their arm of the adventures they had already had.

2009 was a peak and a valley at the same time for me. I've exerpienced more joy and awe than ever before--thanks to my beautiful daughter, but also more self hatred and depression than ever before--thanks to not being WITH my beautiful daughter. I've learned a lot, though. I've learned that I'm okay, life goes on, and my child is not going to experience the same anguish that I experience without her. She is okay, and in fact, thriving and happy with the situation of me working and her being with Daddy or Grandma-Mimi. It's me that has been left behind, but I am learning to pick myself up and move forward.

We bought a house, and I guess that's a big deal. Thankfully, that means our "rent" payment is lower. Unfortunately, we already want to move. Haha. Go figure.

I usually have a really accurate idea of what the next year will bring on the eve of January 1st, but this year, I'm just not sure. I feel kind of blank this time, like I can't see the future. I do know that I will be having a second beautiful child, and I am so entirely excited about that. I do know that our home will continue to be improved as Daddy works on it.

I hope that these things happen...
- our finances improve
- Daddy is able to get a rewarding, fulfilling, and well paying job that allows me to stay home
- we are able to develop a self supporting E-Commerce business that will allow us to easily move somewhere else
- we're able to get the baby items we need, and that I'm able to make something for this new baby
- safety
- improved phsyical and emotional health
- grow ever more closer to my family and to my Heavenly Father

I want this year to be the Spring in our life, following the Winter we've been in for a while. It would be so, so nice to relax...to move forward...to not hurt as much. Have I become afraid to hope, and is that why I can't feel the future?

Thank God for my October Hearts. We will make 2010 a great year no matter WHAT may befall us! Joy is something we can always choose to have.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Emotional

I'm emotional. I tear up at anything sentimental and happy these days. Just now, I was working on planning a baby shower for my younger sister (#3), and keep getting watering eyes. Choosing special games, thinking about what I want to say to her, considering doing a Blessingway (if she'd even want one, which I don't know about!)...The thing that got me the most was in choosing a birthing affirmation to read at her shower. This is one that I found on the Internet a while ago and fell in love with. I used pregnancy and birthing affirmations a lot with LoveBug, reading them outloud in the months leading up to her birth and then I also had my mother read scripture passages I'd picked out during the birthing.

Here is the one that I've chosen to adapt for #3's shower:

Birth Prayer
by Susana Fierro-Baig

Chid within me, the Lord has created you.
He has formed your body, and you are his.

When you pass through the waters, He will be with you and you will not be harmed. He is the Lord, thy God, thy Saviour. You are precious in His sight. He loves you.

Let us not fear, for our Redeemer is with us. He will bring you forth safely. He will protect us from harm if we take upon us His name, for he created us to glorify Him.

We will be blessed with health, strength, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. With his gentle, loving hands he will deliver you without interference from anyone.

I will not be afraid of your birth, for I know that the Lord created me to be a mother. My body knows what to do to assist the Lord as He delivers you out of my womb.

Together we will work to bring you into this world without pain. The water that now protects you will carry you out and I will open myself up to you.

The feelings of love, joy, and peace will escort you on your journey. When you are ready to join us in the world, we will welcome you.

Your father and I have been honored with stewardship over you. He has placed you in our care that we may love you and teach you His word.

Your father is eager to hold you in his arms. I am eager to bring you to my bosom and nurse you.
We look forward to your arrival, yet we will not grow impatient in waiting for your birth-day. We do not want you to be born before you are fully ready.

Your father and I will not be fearful. God has promised us that if we do not fear and are obedient to His commands, He will pour His spirit upon you and His blessings.

Our family will praise and honor Him for the blessing of your birth, and the miracle of your life, giving thanks with song.

Adapted from Isaiah 43&44

Friday, December 4, 2009

Tired and Longing

If I were to give titles to the chapters of my life, this one would be called "Tired and Longing." Tired, because I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year and am a first-trimester mommy. Longing, because I'm so anxious to get out of this stage of my life where I'm working a meaningless job all of the time and aren't home where I want to be.

Two nights ago, Lovebug woke up at 1:45am and didn't go back to sleep until after 5am. I still went to work the next day...exhausted! Last night, something entirely different happened, and for the first time every. Lovebug slept through the night. She's 13 months old and went to sleep at 8:30pm--and slept until we woke her up the next morning at 7:00am! What a relief! I'm not getting my hopes up yet, but would be thrilled if this became the norm. I am so tired all of the time. Sleeping through the night would surely help!

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