Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How long is enough?

How long is long enough? At what point does the line between trying out of integrity and trying because you're foolish get crossed? Actions can change, but the feelings, thought patterns, and habits that cause those actions are much harder to control. I realize that part of me is where I am out of fear, but as I let go of some of those fears, I am wondering if it is omre unfair of me to stay in this relationship than it is to be done with it. I feel as though I am leading him on by answering his questions "correctly" and responding with the appropriate "I love you's," and "we'll be fine" statements during conversation, for they are pledged to avoid the inevitable questioning of my thoughts and intentions that follows any pause in my speech. If I didn't notice that he wasn't looking at me, then I am accused of not caring that I am with him. Should he text me before I think of it during my lunch break, I am told that I don't want to talk to him and have caused him hurt, confusion, and sadness. All of this because I didn't act how he needed me to soon enough.

I am weary. My heart literally hurts from the stress caused by this situation. The pressure from having to act in particular ways becomes a physical wave that encapsulates your body and soul. Once the cycle begins, it's hard to mentally stay with the conversation, making it worse as I appear uninterested. Having to be oh so careful with tonal inflictions and facial expressions so that your two-year-old doesn't yell at mommy and daddy to stop talking. Trying to gently say "I need to stop talking" or "we really need sleep" with the intentions of genuinely caring and wanting to defuse a situation before it gets out of control is met with pleas, promises, and reasons to continue talking.

It's better, yes, but is it enough? H ave I crossed the line into foolishness when I should have changed directions long ago? What would be best for him is to be able to stand on his own and not depend on me for his happiness and self worth. What would be best for me, though? And what is best for my children? The answer to these questions evades me. If this is because I genuinely don't know the answer, or because I won't allow myself to admit it, I don't know.

Posted at least 1 week after being composed

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