Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Working it out by writing.

It's getting to me. Normally, I just pick myself up every morning and begin the new day. I feel positive regardless of what happened in the hours prior. Lately, though, not so much. It's a combination of things, I think: the mountains of paperwork that need filling out (divorce stuff, loan stuff, kids' health insurance, etc.) which never gets worked on, the continual cycles of keeping a house running (thank God Amara is in underpants during the days now!), the desire to do so many things but the inability to actually make them happen...

Oh, and then the other stuff lately. Like picking up body parts, being covered in other peoples' blood, running call after call after call for hours and hours and hours on end, and then not saying anything when a man asks if his wife is dead while he himself has tubes and wires and other things going into and coming out of his own body after a horrific car accident. Or maybe talking to a wife while her husband lies there, completely unresponsive. Or maybe knowing enough to not look at the remaining members of a family after a suicide. Yeah. Maybe that stuff is getting to me. I have had more than my share lately. :-\

People, there are bigger things in my life than a failed marriage. I had years to grieve the loss that I knew was coming. I left back at the end of January, was it? I am in a much, much better place now than I was then (which still grieves me to realize--it should definitely be the other way around and I still hate that I had a marriage full of garbage. Marriage should be something beautiful, but that's another post altogether). When you see me stressed out now, it's not because I don't have a husband. It's not because I am any more of a single mom than I was before, because in reality, I was even more so of a single mom up until the beginning of January when John started really picking up the whole "dad" thing (and I am very thankful that he does a pretty decent job now!).

If I look like a I need a hug, it's not because I am missing John or am having second thoughts about not being married. It's because I am human, like you. I get frustrated when I can't EVER get everything done that I need to. I get drained when my two beautiful toddlers need my constant attention for what seems to be all day and all night. I get needy when I feel like there is no space that is just mine--just like every other mom who can't even go to the bathroom or get a shower alone. :) I feel upset when I have dealt with more people who either are dead or who are going to be dead because of tragic circumstances than a person should have to encounter in a month. I am lonely when I have barely had any adult interactions for a while...and I am sure that these things I feel are not so far from what you feel sometimes, too.

Thank God for the friends who pray for me. The friends who send me encouraging, beautiful, inspired by God messages online even as they walk through their own difficult circumstances. The friends who talk my ear off about their own lives so I can just listen to something different for a while. The friends who randomly show up at my house at 1am with frozen pizza, strawberries, and movies. And then stay until 4am...because even if I am tired the next day, I can't tell you how awesome it is to feel so refreshed mentally and emotionally! The ones who come and help me clean even if it is kinda stressful while it's happening (thanks, Grammie).

In case I haven't told you lately, I covet your hugs. And your smiles. And your laughter. And your talking. And your listening. And the just-being-with-you.

It is a wonderful world, and we must not let the weariness or difficulty of it get us down, because truly, lives change instantaneously and it's just not worth it to take life for granted.

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