I still feel anger. Not towards him, but towards those who still embrace him. I realize that God forgives us despite our sin, and He continues to accept us as His children upon repentance, but... The grief that I felt for the things stolen from me through him led me to be angry. That is over though, now, and I don't have anger towards him. Those that still call him their own, however, I can't seem to get over.
The problem is not that they "love" him. The problem is that it feels as though they have chosen to love him over me. I think to myself, "if only they knew the heinous things that happened, then surely they would take the vengeance upon him that I so want someone to take...or at least they wouldn't call him one of their own." I divorced him, and even though I cannot change the fact that he is the father of my children and thus I will always be tied to him, I did change the fact to that he is not mine. However...telling the stories of the almost five years of hidden wounds that turned into scars just isn't something I am interested in. I am horrified by the things that I had to endure, and ashamed of the things I had to partake in. I don't want to remember them, let alone have anyone else remember them for me.
It is confusing and hurtful to me that no one has punched him in the face yet. There, I admitted it. Why hasn't anyone done that for me? If I ever, ever was told that one of my sisters had to go through some of the things I did, I would surely deal with her offender. Who the heck cares if that person was once considered family to you? Am I not of more value than a relationship? Is the purity, security, and life stolen from me not of value?
The comfort I can derive from this is that to God, I am worth it. Somehow, he is able to love the offender while defending the victim. He continues to stand for me. He is able to see the past, see what is still going on, and can love and teach one person while loving and bringing justice to the next. I must learn to have HIS grace be sufficient for me, and to not allow the people around me to affect my destiny...because...they don't affect my destiny.
I am taking back what the enemy has stolen from me. I am taking back my joy, my peace, my freedom, my body, my right to live without sin in my life. I am taking back my dreams, my rest, my attitude. I am taking back my right to have a healthy, beautiful, loving family. I am taking back my right to have a husband who loves me and who treats me as Christ would treat the church.
Every little tiny thing that the enemy stole, I am taking back.
Through Your victory, I can finally sing I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me Freedom has been won Death is overcome Victory is ours and we'll keep singin' I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me I'm taking back what the enemy's stolen from me
(Taking Back by Worth Dying For)