Thursday, April 14, 2011

Becoming Introspective

I am finding myself becoming more and more introverted with my thoughts and feelings. John would read this and immediately tell me that I can tell him everything, etc., etc....and sure, I could. But some feelings I just don't want to. Some thoughts, I just don't want to. And really, I have no one to unload all of that on. It's a burden to carry alone, but there's so much trust involved in unloading all of your thoughts and feelings onto someone and I just don't have that any more.

To be willing to bare your soul to someone, first he can't be involved in whatever you're unloading. Or if he is, there has to be a way to be neutral-ish. Some sort of separation. Secondly, he has to truly care. It's far too scary to be that vulnerable to a person who may not care about your situation or to not even care if you tell him at all about it. Thirdly, he has to want to protect you. This makes you feel safe when you tell him, even if he doesn't have the ability to protect you (and most likely you will tell him that under penalty of death he is not to do anything in an attempt to "fix" anything you're going through, except to bring you good root beer and chocolate and to keep passing you tissues). Forth, he must have the ability to respond. Pillows and dogs don't count.

There is a unique sort of solace found in introspection, though. Dramatic effects are sure to be left out. There is no risk of a trust breach. There are no opinions but your own...which sometimes works against you since there is no one to correct your wrong thoughts.

Either way, I am becoming more this way...and am thinking from others' reactions that I should expedite the becoming so that I am there entirely.

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