Sunday, February 20, 2011

Drowning

I'm drowning and it'd be a lot easier to just go under rather than keep fighting to stay afloat. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I take a breath in, it's always air that hits my lungs instead of liquid. It's that dream that you can't wake up from. And death by water is my biggest fear.

I'm trapped in limbo, every moment reliving the same thing over and over and over again. My lungs burning for oxygen, me taking a breath and relaxing at the thought of knowing I'll be able to rest in just a moment, and then realizing that it's air and not water and that no, relaxation isn't coming.

Sometimes, I notice something beautiful under the water, or my head breaks through the silence and I'm dazzled by the sunlight sending crystals everywhere. In these moments, I blissfully forget about drowning, and I laugh and smile as I enjoy the radiance of the world around me.

But mostly, I just want to drown. I am sick of fighting and never getting ahead. I am tired. My lungs hurt. And I am surrounded by darkness. No matter how many times I breathe under water though, nothing happens.

Please God, wake me up from this dream.

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