Wednesday, February 2, 2011
you told me to write...
Sometimes loving someone means you sacrifice yourself for that person. I'm not talking about letting him have the last cookie or running outside when it's -15 to turn the car on. I mean the gut wrenching soul bearing moment when you give up what you both want because it's what right for the other person.
Sometimes loving someone means saying no instead of yes. I can only wish that I had known that years ago, that someone had taught me along the way and before we got to this point. But I have learned now. And I love you. And I will love you even if what you want is for me to be selfish and you hate what I am doing to you.
Funny, when two people truly love each other, they will only agree to things if it's in the other person's best interest--never if it's in their own. So I will tell you that I need to stop, when really, I am talking about you. I will tell you that I need space and time to figure things out when really, really what I want is to crawl onto your lap and have you hold me and kiss me and never, ever let go of me.
You are like a piercing to me. You own a part of me, and even if I remove you, the scar is still there, reminding me that it's yours. Others may not see it...but I will know it's there, and I will subconsciously think about it every time I run my hand over my skin, caressing the scar without even realizing I'm doing it. Other times, I may purposely trace the outline with my finger, willing myself to feel the pain again because feeling the love again is worth the pain.
I cherish being loved by you. I have fallen in love with being loved with no strings attached and no expectations. To let go of that is to cut one of my jugular veins...no matter how delicate of an instrument I use, no matter how much cleaning I do before hand or how careful I am, the result will be the same and I may bleed to death in the process.
But that's a risk I am willing to take. Because I love you, too.
I want something different. Something that in many ways might be easier. But...I love you, and I am going to stand for you even when you aren't standing for yourself right now. I will carry you, even if it's something you won't be able to see by me doing by this. I will fight myself from clinging to you, and you will let me go because you will think it's what I need.
Know that you are loved. You always will be. Forever, and ever, and ever. No matter what, I never stop loving.
I promise. I do.