Wednesday, February 9, 2011's beating again.

It's the moment when your heart starts beating on it's own again after having CPR done on it. You hurt from the efforts to save your life; after all, having to save your life did involve you dying. Now you have a chance at a new life...but you still have the same body...with the same're in the same location, with the same people, and the same past. But somehow, in some tiny way, it's different. And your heart is beating again.

Maybe you got lost in the abyss of time when your heart wasn't beating, or maybe you got so used to someone else mechanically depolarizing your cardiac cells that you forgot what it's like to have them depolarize themselves because of something in you that's intrinsic, automatic, and independent of anyone else. Either way, you are so aware now of the thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump that's going on. Your hand covers half of your neck, captivated by the warm pulsation of life.You lay in the stillness of that moment, no one else able to hear the beating, no one else able to feel the movement.

You're breathing again, and it's awe inspiring and terrifying at the same time. You don't know if you should feel this. And though you're elated at the freedom and rest it brings, you don't know where to go from here. So you don't go. You lay there, listening to your heart beat its own joyous rhythm, feeling your blood dance beneath your fingers...strong, steadfast, and independent of anyone else.

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