Friday, March 25, 2011

Empty.

Before you decide to get into a relationship, seriously contemplate the success of that relationship...because if it falls apart, you may feel some things that are uncomfortable and would be nicer left unfelt. Like emptiness.  We still have a relationship, but it's different. A lot different. And I am lonely. And empty. He is too.

It's all about counting the cost and deciding if it's worth it to you---knowing that you may feel pain during the process of your relationship with someone. Is it worth that pain? Is it worth feeling so empty that you can't even identify the names of what you feel? You long to stuff things in that blank space so that you feel complete again. All that you can find that fits the jagged edges of that void is the title "relationship." However, no matter how hard you try to put a human relationship in there, all that happens is that the more you push, the more you both get cut and scraped as you try to fill the gaps. It's a brutal cycle, but the sooner you recognize that you can't fill the void of a broken relationship, the sooner you can begin to heal those jagged edges.

There's another who counted the cost of me before, and he thought I was worth it. Knowing that it's possible I would never want him to begin with. Knowing that if I did, I would fall. That there would be moments when I would wander to something or someone else, and it would hurt him. Despite the agony and desperation felt though, he still chose me. And he is the only one that can fill my void now, taking his hand and smoothing down those jagged edges even if he bleeds in the process.

Keep choosing me, El Rachum, my Heavenly Father.


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