Saturday, March 26, 2011

Wounds instead of scars

My mind plays games with me sometimes, and I almost become overwhelmed by my feelings of emptiness and pain. I'm having one of these moments right now, and so I am coming back to these two things:

1) At the end of Exodus and Joseph's story, it's questioned as to why Joseph was allowed to go through so many difficult things. The conclusion is that he could be content and joyful about his past because through it, many people survived. Because of my pain, too, many people will be able to survive.

2) When I lose everything, I accomplish things. This has always been true of my life. Just in this last week, for instance, I lost 4 pounds, am booking speaking engagements, and making active steps toward operating my own business including having more music students lined up at a music store.

But somehow, it's not helping today and I am sitting here sobbing. Somehow, this doesn't help the ache in my heart that screams out for someone to hold me. Seriously, God, I need something to change. I want to love and be loved. Why isn't the heart something that can just be ripped out once and then it can't be ripped out again? Instead, it's something that can continue to feel pain exactly as it did the first time it was ripped out of a chest, even if it's the hundreth time it's actually happened. Wounds are different than scars. Wounds can still hurt and bleed.

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