Friday, March 18, 2011

Fear List

I thought I was doing remarkably well emotionally. Then today happened and the bottom fell out again. I didn't realize until then that I have a whole list of fears that have been happily ignored under the surface. Maybe I'm not ready for this? And if not, what do I do with that thought? Ugh. I am so ready to leave Egypt. I just can't figure out how to lose the baggage that came with me through the Nile...and it wasn't the gold jewelry I looted from my oppressors!

So in an attempt to make myself admit these things (I'm learning that a lot of freedom comes from admitting and allowing yourself to feel), here is my Fear List:
  1. I am afraid that this isn't going to work. Either you will go back to who you were, or my heart will never fully come around.
  2. If things were to fall apart, I'm afraid I will have NO ONE to pick me up. No one to understand, no one to care enough about me that they would do whatever they needed to to make sure I am safe and going to survive.
  3. I'm afraid that I hurt you by all of the things I can't do right now.
  4. I'm afraid that I will never be able to do the things I can't do right now. If that's the case, then why am I tying you up in this relationship anyway? You say you caused this and so are reaping the harvest, but I believe that you deserve to be treated for who you are NOW and I can't seem to fully do that...
  5. I'm afraid that you will eventually become tired and give up. 
  6. Abandonment. Not being self actualized. That my emotions won't change...These are things I fear.
  7. I fear that I am already alone in this journey, and I really didn't want to be.
But on the bright side, there is so much that I don't fear any more:
  1. I don't fear being hurt.
  2. I don't fear being disrespected.
  3. I don't fear ever going back to where I was, because I KNOW I could never do that.
  4. I don't fear that my children will grow up to have wrong thinking about how they should be treated or how they should treat other people.
  5. I don't fear awkward conversations and a stressful home environment.
  6. I don't fear guilt or fear itself.
  7. I don't fear you. And this is my favorite one to be released from.
I've come a long way, and I need to remind myself that I can keep walking. I learned how to swim and I can choose to keep moving instead of just hanging on and hope that someone will throw me a life vest. I will never be left or forsaken, and I can trust those promises because they come from The Giver whom I can rest in. 

It's time now to guide my heart, and that's a beautiful place in this journey. It means I have covered a lot of ground and much sooner than I would have thought. So one step at a time, terrifying as it may be, I will keep moving and will not allow myself to fall.

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