Friday, March 18, 2011
Jonathan & David
This must be how it felt...
He knew she wasn't his, not really. She had been drifting away for a while and he knew there was no claim to her anymore. Knowing this, though, couldn't stop him from being crazy about her, and didn't stop his heart from bleeding when she left. Really, she had left before That Day and inside he knew it, but his soul was still seared at the moment she told him and reality began to sink in.
You'd think that after the initial kick in the gut feeling, one would adjust and react in a way that made it hurt less. No matter what he tried though, his chest still ached to where it hurt to breathe and he thought he would still throw up hours later.
On the other side of his emotions, he was happy. She had hope and a future now, something he wasn't able to give her. So even if he really wanted to be the one to have put that smile on her face, just the fact that it was there now was enough to make him want to let go of the small threads that had burrowed their way into his body and become part of him over time. These small parts of her that were also part of him, though, are a lot less easily shed than one would think.
Would she remember? The deep burning love he had for her? How much they complete one another? That moment in time when nothing else had mattered but each other? How quickly one forgets when the present becomes so different from the past...
Letting go is something he could do, and with joy because now she was free to have the things she deserved. But releasing your friend is something entirely different. To not have her want to tell him everything for whatever reason, not being sure if she would want to listen to him...it's a lonely place to be.
And what was his role now? Would she understood if he wanted to hold her just as a dear friend, or would she take that to mean something more? If he told her both sides of how he felt, would he be manipulating her into saying and acting in untrue ways just because she felt bad for him? Could he still have that "friend" part, or did leaving mean that was gone, too?
Moving on might have happened...if he was the sort of person who got angry or bitter about these things. And maybe there was a time when he would have, but not today. Today was for forgiving and truly being so very happy for her. Loving her because he would never stop. He was her friend first, and that Jonathan and David relationship would far outlast anything else that ever was or would be again. Today was for hoping. Hoping that the friendship would be there, growing stronger so they could uphold, advise, laugh with, and be there for each other.
And maybe, someday when the moment is right, picking up the hope again for something more.