I wish I could feel. I wish I could make a decision, no matter how irrational, just based on what my heart says.
All that I can do, though, is make decisions based on logic...and when logic isn't flowing along the same path as my heart, it creates a lot of stress.
Add my subjugation into the mix, and disaster strikes. I'm destined for a stroke or heart attack by the time I will hit my thirtieth birthday for sure.
I hate myself. I want my heart to follow my head. I want to feel. I want to know if I'm happy. I want to have that connection and not suppress half of me just to be able to move towards what I know is the best option. It's not fair to him (yup, out comes my subjugation again). And by golly, I love him, so I want to be fair. I want to be so fair that he has a wife that's in love with him and chose him because she is in love with him and not because it's the logical option.
Who does this to someone else? I am such a freakin' jerk.